In which I casually stroll into the room as though I haven’t been gone for the better part of a year
Ah it’s Summer in lovely San Diego. Windows are open to enjoy the sunshine and refreshing breezes. Neighbors are all in their yards grooming their gardens. All so they can hear me yell things like, “Are you SHITTING me?” and “I fucking dare you to do it again you cocksucker!” at my cats.
I’ve finally gone and graduated nursing school and secured a job. I don’t want it to seem like it was as easy as I just made it out to be, especially the job part. We hear things about the nursing shortage all the time but that only applies to places like rural Louisiana or any place where rural would be an apt description. Basically any place you’ve never dreamed of ever living because you would be the subject of a Stephen King novel? Yeah, there are plenty of nursing jobs there for like $16 an hour.
But I live in Southern California. We’ve got travel nurses from the Stephen King locales being flown in by the Southwest planeful. The way it works in areas like these is new graduate nurses without experience typically must go through a new graduate program at a hospital wherein they are trained and gain experience. But hospitals don’t like to have many new grad programs because it costs them money. They’d rather fly in the travel nurses who already have experience, makes sense from a business stand point. Anyway, there are very few new graduate positions in places like Southern California. It’s a genuinely bleak outlook for new grad nurses. Some statistics state that as many as 50% of new graduate nurses are still not employed 1 year after graduation. It’s rough.
Also, because I can only ever go balls out I only applied to ICU positions, the most coveted adult unit (pediatric nursing positions are also highly competitive but that’s not my scene). Why did I do that to myself? Well, I knew I wasn’t going to be happy in any other type of nursing position and I fucking worked my ass off and I knew I deserved one of the few spots.
I applied to UCLA and got surprisingly far in the interview process. I didn’t even think I would get past the online interview part, thousands of people apply to these positions from all over the country. In the last round of interviews the manager asked me if I was OCD. I literally guffawed at the question, the gall to ask the question, and the knowledge that she MUST know that it was an ILLEGAL question to ask in an interview. Seriously, a guffaw escaped my throat. Note to job seekers, when an interviewer asks how you remain organized and meet goals and you answer truthfully and they followup by asking if you are OCD, take it as a pretty strong indication that you do not want to work for them.
She immediately caught herself and said, “Let me rephrase…Do you think it ever takes you too long to make a decision?” But it was too late, I already knew what she was asking. In an ICU setting as a new nurse, I do not want someone breathing over my shoulder knowing that they are questioning my mental status. I did not get that position. I was bummed, there were tears. I knew it was for the better because I kinda loathe LA BUT I also wanted a paycheck.
Weeks later, after all San Diego hospitals had finished their hiring processes without nary an attempt to contact me, my very good friend (and accomplice to much shenaniganery who got hired in a different ICU unit at UCLA) and I were conspiring to get me hired in the next go round. At 4:55 pm, after a full day’s work of bitching about how I was never going to get a job in San Diego, the only hospital who was hiring new grads into the ICU called me apologizing for the delay in contacting me and asking me to come in for an interview the next day. The manager even said she was afraid I wouldn’t be available anymore because she thought someone surely would have hired me, bless her.
I went in at 2pm on a Wednesday, the interview was an hour long and by 9am the next day I had an offer. As far as I could tell via my and my aforementioned accomplices extensive research, there were a total of 6 (SIX!!!) ICU new grad positions in all of San Diego. And I got one of them. It was surreal. And not to get all The Secret on you but I really only envisioned myself in an ICU and even though it looked like there was NO WAY it was going to happen it totally did.
After that I was able to enjoy the shit out of my Summer (I don’t start until Aug 2 – a week from today!). I took full advantage of living in San Diego and having a Summer filled with absolutely no obligations by staying inside where it was cool and nearly impossible to get sunburnt and reading great literature like 50 Shades of Grey. And not just 50 Shades of Grey, the entire motherfucking trilogy. If that’s not taking life by the horns (or is it the bull by the horns?) then I don’t want to know what is because it will probably be too much for my weak psyche to handle, for real.
Speaking of 50 Shades of Grey, I seem to be that rare flower that has read it but not the Twilight Saga. That happened because two friends said almost the exact same thing to me, “Have you read 50 Shades of Grey? It’s so so bad, you have to.” Then they offered to send me the PDF, something no one ever did for Twilight.
Since reading doesn’t hinder me from yelling at my cats I was able to be ultra productive and fly through the trilogy in a week. That includes a 4 day break after being traumatized by a particularly graphic period sex scene. I was also told to do a recap of the trilogy, but lets be honest, I don’t do well with blogging commitments. Besides there is this one that literally (I know what that word means and yes I mean it in it’s correct definition) has me laughing out loud. You don’t need my recap when this one is hilarious and makes cogent points. I cannot offer both of those to you.
The Millionizer RN, BSN, PHN
I just took the last test I will ever have to take from my personal nemesis, Dr. R.
Coming home to this after taking a test that may as well have been in Japanese was not what I wanted to deal with. We are in the midst of a noise feud with our neighbors. So when I read it I was like, “Exqueeeeeze me?” I had no clue how to process it. Do our neighbors think this is going to suddenly make us want to listen to their garage band at whatever hour they decide to practice? Do they think their new motorcycle waking us up at 5am every morning is suddenly going to be silent because of this note? I left it on our porch and went inside.
I called TBU and asked if he was on his way home because I needed his brain power to process it. He kept asking what it said and I was like, “I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW! It’s like child abuse and really fucked up, I guess?”
He got home, inspected it, took a picture for our landlord and threw it out. Over wine, we were laughing and trying to figure out just what the fuck. I mentioned that it was addressed to IRL TBU & Millz, which was weird because I can’t figure out how they know that. TBU looked at me, “Savage!”
So it wasn’t a cryptic note from our neighbor, it was from Savage. Turns out he was with Lou in our neighborhood. Much hanging out and having fun ensued. The night ended with us blaring 4 Non Blondes with the windows down and singing like our lives depended on it. Just what I needed to end a shitty week
The Millionizer says Hey!