Yo! Semite.

Things I saw whilst in Yosemite:

• A bear! A fucking bear. Right there! Looking at me.
• The squirrels sweet, sweet squirrels.
• How about them water falls? Can we get a few more in the valley somewhere?
• People, yes it’s hot and you are on vacation but that is NO excuse for irrational attire choices. What is that impulse? Because you are more than 20 miles from your house you don’t have to dress like a human being? If you are older than 10 and not physically in a body of water, it is INAPPROPRIATE to wear a bathing suit as outer wear. Ladies, I saw some serious cases of saggy boob, don’t be that person and don’t teach your children that it is ok to put them on display. And men, oh JESUS men. Just because you are technically a man doesn’t mean you can parade your saggy AND hairy tits for all the world to see. And I don’t care how tanned, waxed and beautiful you think you are, put some fucking clothes on. YOU LOOK RETARDED! Asshats.
• Rocks, there are a lot of rocks in Yosemite. Everywhere.
• A totally macho hero type man propose to his Jewish Barbie girlfriend with two small daughters who hiked up (it’s a pretty gnarly hike) Vernal Falls wearing raincoats and carrying their small lovebird. Really, what the fuck?
• The proposal happened just after a baby squirrel fell and broke its leg and rolled down the mountain to the trail. Super hero man picked the baby up and, I assume, “took care of it” we all know what that means. But I thank him for letting me believe that he rushed it to the cute baby squirrel doctor to promptly have its leg reset so it could go on living a perfect existence with its cute squirrel family. Thank you hero man.
• Bats!
• Foreign people. How do the Japanese even know Yosemite exists? I couldn’t name one natural wonder Japan has to offer. Do Geisha’s count? Is it supposed to be a capital g?
• Angry Rangers. No less than twice, in the two nights we were there, did we get an angry knock on our about to fall off door.
• Ugly people. All of the worst offenders were the non-foreigners. We really need to clean up our act. No wonder the world hates us. And can we keep the kids at home please? Learn to raise them or just let me kill them. Really, those are your only options.
• The Shining. I didn’t see the outside of the Ahwahnee because it was dark when we went to dinner. But I saw the inside. Did you know they filmed The Shining there? I didn’t, very creepy. And lot’s of lounge areas for one to lounge upon. Because when you’re paying $400 a night in Yosemite, you’re probably not hiking Half Dome. Great service though, really. And the food, wow. WOW.

Thanks Yosemite! You are awesome. You exceeded all my expectations. You have wonderful bike paths and totally reasonably priced merchandise. You even let me see a bear! I can’t get over that. That was cool. And about the baby squirrel, I know that’s the circle of life and you didn’t mean for me to see that. See you soon!