When you find these things out, you can’t help but have some sort of reaction

I just learned that Abraham Lincoln was a notorious drinker. I guess I’m not surprised. But I can’t help but finally be interested in him. I wish they had told me that in third grade. My abolition diorama would have kicked ass. Now I want to kinda be friends with Abe and get drunk on moonshine. We could pretend we’re freeing slaves out of moral obligation and not for money. We could smoke his plantation hemp and get sloppy. I would wear his hat and do a little jig, we would laugh. Man, that would be fun. Darn you, John Wilkes Booth. I shake my fist at you.