The weekend is almost over and I have so many things to tell you. None of them are very interesting. What’s new? you ask. And I say, ha ha…ha.
Tonight we went to our deep relaxation yoga class where the hardest thing you do is get up. I won’t admit that there may have been some green herby stuff involved right before we left but I won’t deny it either. Even though I had to fight off mutliple fits of laughter I was glad I went. Last Thursday we tried a yoga class where you actually move your body and use your muscles. Now it’s Sunday night and my legs and shoulders are just barely recovered. That class was no joke. During that class someone farted an Almighty Fart. So almighty that to mention it deserves capitalization. I knew that if I looked at TBU all makings of maturity would be lost and I almost forgot to breathe while avoiding eye contact. Yes, farting is still funny. Totally hilarious, make no doubt. After class, TBU said he was trying to get me to look at him. I screamed, WHY? would you want me to look at you. We would’ve both been asked to leave. Ultimately, The Laugher (one who laughs) is the person who winds up being the most embarassed in these situations. The teacher will say something about the human body and yoga facilitating digestion and The Farter will glare at The Laugher smugly and the class will stare at The Laugher like they are evil. It’s a no good situation that’s best avoided.
Last night TBU and I had dinner with his dad, otherwise known as Dr. TBU MBA Sr. and his freakishly thin skinned girlfriend. We met them in their hotel room and she commented on my new tattoo. She feigned acceptance and interest by asking questions in an overly enthusiastic manner. She acted like I saved a baby instead of permanently modified my body. TBU said she acted the same way when he pierced his tongue (thank god he removed it before we met). Usually, they love me but last night they were having none of me and I blame the tattoo. I tried normal conversation and several jokes, they just stared at me. Among my (apparently pathetic) attempts at humor I made a joke about his ex wife that did not go over well. I also called a group of people old and was promptly ignored. I guess they weren’t in the mood for millionizing. The whole time I kept thinking that if we were at a table with my family they would be laughing. Also there would have been a lot more alcohol involved. But if we were at a table with my family it wouldn’t be at a place where our meals cost $40 each. So, yeah.
I haven’t eaten anyting healthy since Friday afternoon and I’m not feeling all that well. After yoga we went to Trader Joe’s and came home with mostly sugary snacks. I’ll have some oat bran and flaxseed meal tomorrow, I promise. While we were there I heard someone leacherously say, heeey guys. I turned around and it was one of TBU’s friends from high school and her cart was full with snacky foods. This is the kind of girl who hugs you when she firsts meets you and hugs you to say hi and hugs you to say bye. It’s just too much for me. I mean really. Last time I saw her she introduced me to her roommate who also hugged me. I guess those kinds travel in packs. Anyhow she told us that she was getting ready for burning man (no caps for you, burners). I’m sorry but c’mON, burning man? I will tell you right now I do not need a ticket or a ride to burning man so don’t even offer. I don’t need to be in the desert for eight days dying of heat stroke I also don’t need to be on hard core drugs. If I am going to hallucinate I want to be in the safety of my own home and not on the set of Mad Max the musical. Unfortunately, burning man is all people have been able to talk about for the past few weeks. We will get some rest during burning man while everyone is burning, aside from the few stragglers who have some sort of sob story as to why they couldn’t make it this year. But in a week, when they get back, it will be all we will hear about for another three weeks. Ahem, Ranty McRantRant aren’t I?
So back to TBU’s friend. At the end of our exchange I thought, I am not going through with all this gratuitous hugging, I had to think quick though because it was just about hugging time. So I tried the no hug slip around. This is where I casually put TBU in hugging range so it is only natural that she hug him first. Just as their hug ends I slowly start walking away and just as it would be my turn, in my most sweetest way possible, I say my goodbye and smile like my life depends on it. By the time she turns to me I’m too far and it would be too awkward to make a move for the hug, so she doesn’t. I thought it was pretty genius for having thought it up on the spot in the freezer aisle.
Hey, what if there was a store called Traitor Joe’s? I’m not sure what it would sell, I guess all of it’s products would be from Cuba and North Korea. I would have to shop there as a matter of principle.
In an unrelated note, last night I told TBU that he was getting pretty hairy. He said that he saw it more as an opportunity for me than a problem for him. I was as confused as you are now.
**The Millionizer makes it work
[tags]yoga, trader joe’s, burning man[/tags]