So. Well. Um. Yeah, I don’t know when this blog turned the corner to all day poop talk. I’d like to tell you that this will be the last poop related post for a while but I just can’t promise something like that so let’s forget I ever mentioned it. And what’s the problem with poop talk anyway? Everybody poops and sometimes certain people need an enema.

Last night at 10:15 I turned to TBU and said that it had been almost 4 days since I pooped. And he knows how much I like to poop. He looked at me sweetly, his eyes full of sympathy and said, uh oh. Indeed. I spent all day researching remedies for my blockage. Everywhere I turned was sure that I needed more fiber in my diet. But the thing is, I already have enough fiber in my diet. Tons! I even take supplements. I even mix organic flax seed meal in my organic apple juice. I am no stranger to fiber. Then I came upon the colon cleanse. The idea behind the colon cleanse is that most people have build up in their intestines and need a special juice fasting diet to clean it out. I know, I know very annoyingly hippy. But I was desperate. I also came upon the enema. The enema promised quick results. But I wasn’t too happy about the method.

At 23, I’ve never had anything in my colon. Not that there’s anything wrong with a little colon play, it’s just not my style. TBU said he would go get me an emema right now if I wanted it. He even said that he would do one too, just to clean the old pipes out. So 10:15 last night, my belly protruding, we left the house to go get us some enemas. In Santa Cruz, after 9pm, your options are pretty limited. It’s either Safeway or Long’s and neither of them offer an optimal enema purchasing environment. Not that there ever is one, but I’m sure it could have been better than last night.

We opted for Long’s because we figured they would have a better selection. I don’t know what kind of reasoning that is, because an enema’s an enema, but whatever. Have I mentioned that this is the downtown Long’s? Are you familiar with the nighttime downtown element of Santa Cruz? Just imagine a movie where the protagonist gets lost in a homeless/skinhead/punk camp, that is what downtown Santa Cruz is like at night. But don’t tell the tourism board I said anything, they’ll just deny it and remind you that the Pacific Ocean is RIGHT THERE. Anyway, these folks are mostly friendly and harmless but I just have certain reservations about buying an enema while surrounded by them. I mean there are drawings on the box of how to give oneself an enema. Complete with androgenous reciever bearing down. And there is absolutely nothing to stop these people from commenting on it. These people aren’t governed by silly things like SOCIAL MORES or BOUNDARIES. Oh, lord no.

We make our selection and, god love him, TBU carries that box like he’s got nothing to prove to anyone. I am cowering behind him telling him to hold the box this way so no one can see the FLEET’S ENEMA label. Oh no, not that way because then they can see the other FLEET’S ENEMA label. (This is where I go back to past tense, don’t ask why, just read.) The only way to hold it without the neon enema sign flashing was to have the instructional drawings face out. I just prayed that anyone near us would be too drunk or methed out to notice. We got in line and didn’t make eye contact with anyone. Because that’s the universal sign for ‘please talk to me crazy person.’ Well sometimes people are too crazy to wait for the signal and just start. The dudebrah** in front of us had snagged a pack of sugar free black licorice. And then asked if we had ever had black licorice. TBU is just going along like he doesn’t have a double pack of enema’s tucked under his arm, answering dudebrahs questions and laughing at his drunken banter. Then dudebrah decided that he does not like the taste of sugar free black licorice and puts the open pack in a stack of shopping baskets next to the register. Then he takes the piece that was in his mouth and puts that in the basket too. He turns to us, me about to explode with shit and the thought of having to buy an enema at the downtown Long’s on a Wednesday night, and says that he would have paid for it, but he just didn’t like it. Fine! but please stop talking to me! I just want to get an enema, I doubt I will like it either but I will not return the open package to a stack of shopping baskets next to the register. His Cookie Monster eyes were starting to get to me, I pulled my hood over most of my face and started to hide behing TBU.

** Bradley Nowell of Sublime was a dudebrah. Imagine more tattoos and less showers. When you see a dudebrah you think alcohol and meth. I have nothing against alcohol but let’s all keep our lives under control and meth, ugh meth is just gross. Oh yeah, and I don’t have anything against tats either, I have one, but there’s a limit folks. And are those flames really so awesome that they need to be ALL OVER your back? You will see those back tats because dudebrahs can’t seem to get the hang of putting a shirt on. I’ll get a definition on UrbanDictionary soon.

We got home and I tried to avoid actually going through with it. I asked TBU to go over it with me one more time. I took it in the bedroom and said I’d see him in a few. Did you think this was going to be a tandem enema session? Ew no, gross. I read the box over and over again. Then I did it. I just did it. I took off my pants, knelt down and I just did it. It was like a self inflicted prison scene, only without the prison. Then I waited with my naked ass in the air wondering how much time had passed. The instructions said wait until you have a strong urge to go. But that’s misleading because I had a strong urge as soon as I uh, inserted it. So I passed the time by singing songs and looking under the bed, a LOT of stuff kinda just accumulates under there. I also noticed that we need to vacuum the bedroom a little more often. Then it was time. At one point I flung my arms out to grab onto something, anything because The Urge was indeed – strong.

The enema was fun and all, there was much multi-syllabic farting going on, but I felt there was more that could have, you know, happened. That’s why I’m glad I got all my colon cleansing supplies. Like I said, I was desperate. It’s not as bad as I imagined it. I just juice a bunch of fruits and vegetables, add some fiber and apple juice and drink up. It’s pretty tasty if not a little weird.

TBU has reported much pooping since his enema but sadly, I haven’t the same news. Go colon cleanse, go!