This shit is bananas

I was going to update yesterday about my first day at work, but then I got home and could only think about how badly I wanted a cookie. Real bad. So I had three. Then I sugar crashed and got a headache that wouldn’t go away. Three sounds like a lot but they were small, generic (with no trans fats!) oreo cookies. And I took the cream out, so really I only ate the outside cookies. So I guess I actually ate six cookies. Gah!So yesterday was interesting. My student is mellow and totally able to entertain himself, which gives me a lot of time to do whatever I want. If whatever I want includes being at a middle school. Do you remember middle school? Hopefully not, because it is miserable. Luckily, most of the students are as tall or taller than me, so I blend in. Which is the goal of all middle school students. Less than an hour into it, a kid told me, this is middle school, everyone gets made fun of and bullied.  Alright, awesome.

Just being there makes me feel 13 again. I look like an 8th grader who got held back a couple years since I’m short, young and use a backpack. The only thing setting me apart is my very calm complexion. All the kids check me out like I’m one of them, I have to remind myself that I’m an adult (!!) and they are kids, so just chill the fuck out. There is nothing lamer than letting the tween set make you feel lame. It doesn’t help that I have to sit in those desks with those plastic chairs, which by the way, are a perfect size for me, if horribly uncomfortable. It’s all very awkward. Plus, it always so fucking cold there. It’s foggy and freezing out and and these people have the AC on.

After only two days it has become abundantly clear that this kids mom is a lazy ass who expects me to be able to get all his homework and shit done so she won’t have to deal with it. I kinda got that feeling yesterday and it was totally confirmed this morning when she told me that she didn’t help him with any of his homework or get him any supplies and then told me, but that’s ok! because you can help him with that today. Oh no no no honey, I am not paid enough to be this childs mother. So my next tactical move was to clarify my role as his aide, which is to keep him from beating on other students. So during the day I wrote a list of all the things that he needed to have done and all the supplies he needed to bring to school. I thought it was tactful yet showed a firm stance on my part. I fully expected her to be grateful that I would take the time to make such an exhaustive list for her benefit. But no, she took the list and squawked, he really needs all this? I thought you were going to do his homework with him?! I told her the situation and she said, well he’s not going to have it all by tomorrow. That’s fine horrible excuse for a mother, he’s your kid not mine, I just get paid to hang out with him at school. I told her to have a good day and she drove off, no thank you no nothing.

And it just adds insult to motherfucking irritation that she wants to ‘check in’ with me at the end of the day but when I walk up with her son she doesn’t even turn off the car, let alone get out of it. She simply rolls her window down and expects me to hunch over for the next 5 minutes. Fuck you, asshat. I hope you have supersonic hearing because I am not going to talk over the hum of your beemer or bend over. You might like it in the ass, but I don’t.

Other than that, it’s totally awesome. More tomorrow.