Where have I been? Where have I BEEN?

I’ll tell you where I’ve been. I’ve been trying to get my life in order. So far not much success. Before we left for the vampire disco last weekend, TBU and I bought a couple bottles of two buck chuck red wine for our costume props. Since we didn’t go, one of the bottles got left in my car. Don’t ask me how the other managed to get inside. So I had been driving around with it for almost a week and every time I heard it slide across the back seat I would think, Hey I should really take that out. Then Thursday I heard a most disconcerting sound on the way home from work. As I turned left onto my street, instead of the usual sliding sound, I heard more of clink! swooshhhh! I couldn’t look immediately but I knew the worst had happened. Luckily, I don’t really have a propensity for getting pulled over. But let’s just imagine that situation for a second, shall we? No officer, that isn’t an ENTIRE BOTTLE OF RED WINE you smell. Well it is, but I can explain. My frustration was compounded by the fact that I was hoping to work on my résumé for the Ultimate Dream Job (more on that later), take a shower and get ready for TBU’s office party all in less than 1.5 hours. But instead, I wound up having 45 minutes after I soaked up AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF RED WINE with a box of tissue and some paper towels. I couldn’t decide if it was a good or bad thing that the wine was particularly shitty. I mean, at least a decent bottle didn’t get wasted (ha ha…wasted). But on the other hand, if my car must be maimed with red wine shouldn’t it be a bottle to be proud of? Some questions just don’t have answers.

I made it to TBU’s office party just fine. One of his co-workers introduced me to her friend and at that exact moment one of my hands had a glass of wine and the other had a pita chip in it. So I apologized for not being able to shake his hand, but she assured him it was for the better because once I had enough wine in me it would be worth the sacrifice. I looked at her a little shocked and she said, Oh don’t worry honey, I was drunk at the last one too. That’s reassuring. We wound up having a lovely time. I think I’ve talked about TBU’s office parties in passing here, but I’ll elaborate. Every 3 months they put on an art and wine festival. They get a local artist to decorate their walls and they pay a great winery to keep every glass full. There are also raffles and silent auctions to benefit a local charity. Everyone wins; we get wine and food, they get free art, and local kids get some help. I find these things to be totally fascinating. I love watching rich, mostly white people shmooze and feel good about themselves for ‘giving back.’ Oh did I mention that most of these people are realtors? That should give you an idea of the atmosphere.

All snarkiness aside, I really like TBU’s co-workers, most of them anyway. There’s this one new girl with severe acne. I find acne to be totally repulsive. I’m sorry if you suffer (because indeed there is much suffering) from acne. I can’t help it, I seriously have a physiological reaction to it. So this poor girl has severe acne. Now, I know for the most part it is not her fault. But what is her fault is the 2 pounds of makeup she puts on her face. Please, please all sufferers of acne, stop thinking powders and creams are helping your cause. Makeup is only making it more obvious and less likely to go away. Her face looked like a crusty piece of moldy bread, all lumpy, unappealingly flaky with dark purple spots. To make nauseating matters worse she stopped applying said ovbious makeup at her jawline. Ladies, we are aware that this is a crime right? I don’t understand why she bothered to stop there since she was showing serious cleavage and also has severe chest acne. Why not spring for a whole 4 pounds of makeup, sister? You’ve already got your face going do you really think we want to see your moldy bread tits? I tried to talk to her and be nice but I couldn’t look her in the eye. In retrospect I don’t really feel bad. She was (probably still is) trying to compensate for her face by showing cleavage and it was just a big mess. Plus, it was just tacky. TBU and I were laughing about this today and between chuckles he assured me that she’s really nice. Well she would have to be.

Now don’t go getting all pissed off like I am bragging about my acneless life. Because that’s simply not true. In fact, I have a horn growing on my forehead as we speak. The difference is I leave that shit the fuck alone.

Oh right, I’m trying to get my life in order. Talking shit about others is not the way to do that, but I am The Millionizer and this is themillionizer.com so I kinda have full autonomy over this thing. All this week I have been working on my résumé because, through the magic of the universe, I have been notified of a job opening that I would totally give my left nut for. It is at a company that you have definitely (remember when I spelled that wrong all the time?) heard of. And if you are at all a dork you either love them or hate them. I’m not going to name names so as not to anger the gods but I respectfully request you send me your good wishes or voodoo vibes, whatever it is that you do. If I get this job I honestly believe that it will change the course of my life. That’s not saying a whole lot since my current course is so weak a feather could change it, but still. I want this job, real bad. I haven’t really been able to think about anything else all week. I sent the résumé off to my contact yesterday and now I just have to wait and see if I’ve been selected for an interview.

Today, I relaxed for the first time this week. TBU and I took a leisurely drive in his new baby to Big Sur. We went with intentions of hiking and lunch. But it turned out we were feeling kinda lazy and the wait for lunch at Nepenthe was too long. So we wound up having a beer overlooking beautiful vistas then headed out. If I have to drive an hour and a half to have a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale on tap I want it to be in Big Sur. We had a really fun time just talking and laughing. We decided to have lunch on the way home in Monterey. I found a CD I burned a couple years ago labeled The Millionizer Goes to Mexico. This title was more an attempt at drama than reality, I did not go to Mexico in 2004. That CD was like a 2004 time capsule. I took great joy in singing almost every word to every song on the way to Monterey. I haven’t had that great of a time listening to music while driving since high school. I had so much fun, it was such a beautiful day. Gush. Gush. Gush.

Unfortunately, it’s technically Sunday morning, which means I have to show up at my never-going-to-go-anywhere-please-kill-me job tomorrow. That reality just seems so harsh and bleak
compared to the day I had. Dear Jesus, Allah, Buddha, and Vishnu let me get that job.

The ‘so that’s where I’ve been’ Millionizer

[tags]Monterey, Big Sur, office party, acne sucks, Sierra Nevada, road trip, two buck chuck, I hate my job[/tags]