That has been the theme of my life for the past few days. Damn cats.

I had a surprisingly wonderful holiday. My mom stayed with me for 5 days. At first I was all kinds of anxious. I did not want to deal with the constant questions and doubts about the state of my life. But Mom kept her cool and we wound up having a lot of fun. We even made a gingerbread house. Picture soon, I just have to stop being lazy.

MY THANKSGIVING

• My mom got genuinely pissed at Michael Jackson for selling the Beatles song Macy’s is using for their holiday sale commercial. Like really, really mad.
• My mom, my aunt and I went to Wal-Mart (I know, I know) for crafting supplies. As we were leaving we saw the beginning and middle of an all out brawl between two ghetto chicks, and their equally ghetto families, who got into a fender bender. Oh, it was perfect. People were dragged to the ground by their (ahem, fake) hair, shoes flew and two ambulances and a fire truck came. I wanted to stay and watch the free entertainment but the old ladies with me literally feared for their lives, so we left. Sigh.
• By Saturday I started to feel sick. Not like cold or flu sick (I JUST got over a cold Wednesday) but like something was wrong with my insides, like hospitalization sick. I took a long, honest look at myself and saw a champagne cocktail in one hand and a beer in the other. I tried to think of the last time I drank any water and the only thing that came to mind was, water? Damn you, enabling alcoholic family.
• As I assume most parents do when they visit their babies, my mom bought us shitloads of food and household supplies. And she cooked for us!
• Even though I spent a whole day cleaning before she arrived, my mom found other stuff to clean. Things I didn’t even know were dirty, like our backyard. That’s cool though, because now I feel really clean. Like Mom clean.

Yesterday I prepared a fairly extensive To-Do list. I can’t get anything done if I don’t already have it written down, so don’t even ask me. So the list. It was long but not hard (Oh, dude). But I came home and made a conscious decision to do nothing because I was so sweepy. Naturally, today I felt overwhelmed because my To-Do list has basically doubled because, Oh The Millionizer was so sweepy yesterday. But THEN! Then I looked at the list and found that I had actually done some stuff on it. I was like, Hey! I did eat a salad yesterday! So I high fived myself. That is why my lists are so long. I remind myself to do stuff like eat a salad. I may as well write, take shower.

This is completely unrelated to anything and I don’t normally talk about celebrities here. Do I? I don’t think so but I’m not going to take the time to check. BUT dear crapping Christ on a flaming cross, what the hell is up with Britney Spears and her vagina? Hey, I’ve got one too, but I don’t have to show it to everybody. I’m pretty sure everyone assumes I have one even if they haven’t seen it. And even if anyone wanted to see it, I’m sure once is enough. Thrice in one week?! Wow, just wow. Although I’ll admit the third one kinda looks like it could be skin colored underwear. But the picture of Paris Hilton telling you to close your legs? Priceless.

Ugh. I thought I could have an entire blog without mentioning Ms. BS (such unfortunate initials) or the heiress. But when there are vaginas being tossed around like this someone’s got to take a stand. Ok, I promise this will be the last thing I say about celebrities. I am no Perez Hilton, nor do I want to be. Although, I am tempted to tell you how I am so over Gwen Stefani. Oops, have I said too much? Girl, go back to No Doubt.

[tags]Thanksgiving, family, Wal-Mart, Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani[/tags]

As I was leaving the grocery store, to buy alcoholic beverages, I saw a pretty serious accident in the parking lot. No one was hurt but there was a lot of yelling. The guy who caused the whole thing ran out, I was pleased to see it was the jackass who was rude to the checkout clerk. Nice one, dork. So all in all it’s been a great start to the Holiday season. How bout you?

The last post was the 100th post here in this little corner of the internets. Parties and Parades will commence once I plan them. There will be much booze and BBQ so get ready! I don’t know why 100 is such a big deal. Perhaps because it is the perfect representation of our numbering system. Ten tens! But really so what? Why not have a party for 99 or better yet 101! Because that’s where we are today. If you need an excuse to drink on a lazy Sunday afternoon I give you the go ahead to get plastered. I hope you don’t need an excuse though, just drink already.

So I was at an all day required* training yesterday. It was so wonderful to sit in a shitty office building all day out of monetary obligation and NOT GET PAID FOR IT. Maybe I am just a perfect specimen of my lazy ass generation, but I really think it’s just plain asshattedness not to get paid for a whole day of required work.

*In the written correspondence and multiple messages left as reminders for the meeting it was described as required. After a slide in the PowerPoint** presentation the leader asked if anyone had any questions (about the information contained in the slide). The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and matter of factly asked why we were required to be here unpaid and what the legality of it was (which was not the topic of said slide). I was all OH HELL YES. The leader responded by saying it was NOT required and no one had to be there. So why were we all told we had to be there and reminded of it 4 times in the past week? Well it’s only required if we want to keep our current positions and pay, otherwise they would gladly demote us and cheerfully take $1.50 of our hourly wages. So, no it’s not required.

**PowerPoint, a program for dumbasses and realtors. I have a degree in Film and Digital Media. In my job hunting I have always emphasized the digital media part. People like to know that someone on staff knows something about something. It has served me well. At the job I had before this one (which I quit after barely 2 months) I was an office manager for a real estate agency. It was just me and 4 cranky realtors. I was the youngest by at least 30 years. The women there were bulldog old lady types who I’m sure have had to put up with a lot of shit for being women in the commercial real estate arena. So they treated me like shit too. I was hired mainly because of my degree and experience and I did well. After my first week one of them came up to me and asked why I hadn’t been washing the dishes in the break room. Ummmm, because they are yours and you are perfectly capable of doing it seeing as how you are a realtor and do nothing all day. So I started pretending to wash the dishes. I turned on the hot water and let it run while I went to the bathroom or chatted with friends. Then I just put the dishes on the drying rack, no wiping, no nothing. These fucks would have tuna salad and just leave their crusty bowl in the sink. I am not above washing dishes and if I was in a pinch you better believe I would gladly take a dishwashing job but no where in the interview, job description or anything else did it say that I would be cleaning up after old whities with entitlement issues. One time I heard the main awful old lady talking about me to another realtor. She called me an idiot and wondered why I couldn’t get anything right. That’s funny, because I fucking kick ass at this job. Maybe if you remembered what you asked for in the first place there wouldn’t be such a desparity between the (awesome!) result and your expectations. In fact, this lady herself had just told me what a great job I was doing. That was the first big fuck you guys I noted, and I should have quit then. The next big fuck you was when crabby old lady #2 left a note for me saying that the fax machine is out of paper and could I please make sure to check ALL machines before I leave on Fridays. She left that for me on Friday, knowing I would not be back until Monday to take care of it. Do you think when I got there on Monday she had put the paper in the fax herself? The paper that sits right NEXT to the fax? No. She had taken the time to write a note but couldn’t be bothered to actually do the ‘work’ herself. Plus, she spelled my name wrong. Back to the point, one day the two main bulldog ladies were talking about a proposal they needed, and main bulldog lady had the GREAT idea that it would be really easy and it would look SO GREAT if we made a PowerPoint presentation out of it and just printed the slides. They had all these ideas getting them excited and they started talking louder and louder and they were JUST SO EXCITED about how great their presentation would look. How could client X refuse such a proposal? He couldn’t! Main bulldog lady exclaimed, We could have The Millionizer do it in PowerPoint, that’s what her degree is in. She has a degree in it! I heard this and had to stop myself from running in there and laughing uncontrollably while I pointed and breathlessly told them how fucking stupid they are. Hey, crochety commercial real estate ladies who would crush their first born for a sale? The only time I ever touched PowerPoint before this place was when I needed to offset my upper division class load with one retard class. So I took Personal Computers, the class where we talked about how to open email and write Word documents. Our final project was a 5 slide PowerPoint presentation on a topic of our choosing. You may wonder what a class of this type was doing on a well respected University of California campus. Well, we all need to offset our real classes with dumbass classes sometimes. So to correct you, no I don’t have a degree in PowerPoint, it is a program for dumbasses and people in smarmy sales positions such as yourselves. The rest of the business world laughs at you. That is the day I quit through an email. I sent them a quick note and never came back. I was really pleased about jeopardizing their multmillion dollar deal. After every time I held myself back from saying it, quitting when they needed me the most seemed the most effective way of telling them to fuck off. That and telling them that I had never once washed a single dish.

And that is my PowerPoint anectdote.

I was especially pissed off after yesterday’s meeting (you forgot all about that didn’t you!) because on the way home I developed a major migraine, which I knew was triggered by watching videos and PowerPoint slides all day. Great, I get to have my day AND night ruined by that optionally mandatory clusterfuck. And indeed it was. That is why I was so excited to wake up today, so as not to be crushed by the bull doing interpretive dance in my head. But lo! Lo! The bull is gone making way for a lovely cold virus that will take me straight to Thanksgiving dinner. Gracias, toro!

The Millionizer tries, but cannot seem to keep a job

[tags]Thankgiving, What the Fuck, PowerPoint, Word, Microsoft[/tags]