Where I ask you a lot of rhetorical questions.

How boring is it when I talk about a dishwasher? Pretty very? Ok, I’ll stop. What else should I talk about? Crazy lesbian lady? My job? My lack of potential? Let’s talk about what I want for Christmas. Here’s the list:

1. flask: It doesn’t have to be anything special. As long as it can hold the sauce. I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without one.
2. tea kettle: Does it make the tea kettle sound? I’ll take it.
3. button presser/maker: This is the one I want the most and the most expensive. I’m looking for a used one but I don’t think people even know what they have. So if you know how I can get my hands on one let me know. I’m hoping for a 1″ machine, but I’ll take what I can get. I’m going to use this to press magnets, which are a little less lame than buttons if only for their utilitarianism. Seriously, let me know folks. Those of you who work in schools should check it out, they have all kinds of crazy stuff they never use. I’ll pay you! I promise! I already checked the one I work in to no avail.

You know what pisses me off? When I’m sitting in the staff lounge, writing my Chrismas wish list and some teacher walks in saying, You can open the blinds if you want. And even though I say, I’m fine, thank you, she goes right ahead and opens them anyway. What is that all about? Do I not seem fit to monitor my own light levels? Am I not allowed to? She opened the blinds and just left like she was doing me some huge favor.

I also hate it when I realize I have to poo at work. Then on my way to the bathroom someone slips in right before me. Now I have two equally unappealing options 1) poo with a bathroom partner or 2) wait. The whole scene is just bad. I have to change my colon’s schedule. Maybe we could go for a 4:30 poo instead of 9:30.

My left palm is peeling and has tiny, fish scale flakes. I hate skin abnormalities. My right palm is fine though. I hope it’s not a symptom of an exotic disease requiring quarantine.

There’s nothing like re-reading a couple of your own posts and finding 10 mistakes. Potatoe? Really? Is this 1992? Am I Dan Quayle? Do you remember that incident? I do. I was in 4th grade and it happened just before our school elections. People were making all kinds of speeches and handing out propaganda promising to get better lunches.* Matt’s** entire speech consisted of him spelling potato in a mock spelling bee. He won.

*Little did we know there was no way any child would ever effect what sort of slop was served in the cafeteria. We just hated the shitty food. In our minds we deserved it, but we knew nothing about companies making millions from serving sub-par food to unsuspecting children. We didn’t think in terms of contracts or cost benefit. I look at the food served in the school I work at and it really makes me sad. They offer milk and a fruit, per state law, but I wouldn’t even touch the shriveled produce they’re pushing. And the milk? Do you think any of them are choosing regular milk over chocolate and strawberry? Plus every meal comes with soda, fries AND chips. My favorite part is when the lunchlady asks if the kid wants red, blue or purple soda. You can’t even ask for water instead because they don’t have any.

**Matt would later become my boyfriend in 6th grade. It was a very non-eventful courtship that was mostly spent hanging out waiting to be picked up after school. The scandalous part was that my clique and Matt’s clique had all paired up, there were 10 6th graders “dating.” Our teacher told us she had never had a more amorous class. The scandal really came to a head when all five couples went to see Billy Madison unchaperoned. It was my first date. There was really nothing for parents to worry about, we were all too awkward to make any moves. I think we all just sat there thinking, So we’re on a date. This is what dating is like. Thank god my later dates involved more alcohol. Matt and I broke up over the telephone the summer after 6th grade. We needed to keep our options open in middle school. I don’t think we ever kissed.

And last but NOT least. I’m catching up on Mimi Smartypants’ archives and I just got to the one where she says she prefers anal sex. Well not in so many words but I was like WOW, THAT IS SO MUCH INFORMATION. Here is a quote, the sort of sex that makes the Fetus Thing happen is not my very favorite sort. I promise to never tell you about anal sex in my life. Mostly because it doesn’t exist in my world. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. It’s just wrong when I’m involved.

I’m going to see Borat tonight. Wish me luck. That guy makes me feel so weird. I will be drunk.

The Millionizer would marry the dishwasher if the Republicans would just shut up already

[tags]Borat, button presser, first date, school lunch, anal sex, Christmas list, work[/tags]