This week in history

Turns out medieval folks were right, the world is flat and you can fall off. What they didn’t know is that scientologists are also right. Lord Xenu caught me and said I haven’t suffered enough then flicked me back to Santa Cruz. I woke up a bit bruised but all together fine.

Saturday: Borat. Borat. Well Borat was made tolerable by the flask that we bought on our way to the theatre. I love that I live within walking distance to a flask selling establishment. The 8pm show sold out at 5. But being us we bought our tickets on Fandango, you just have to pick them up at the theatre, like movie will-call. The line to get tickets was huge. But the line to get in (after you already got your tickets!) was around the block. So we split up. I went around the block in hopes we would have a chance to sit together. TBU’s boss was coming too but I didn’t see him anywhere, so to the very end of the line I went. My line started moving before TBU and I found each other and, because I am a dork in all social situations, I started to panic. Just as I got to the ticket taking lackey TBU was there, holding my ticket. This is where it gets good. Once the guy ripped our tickets it was a complete free for all up the stairs to the screen. I fell. Luckily, I was drunk enough that it didn’t matter. I love it, the line starts moving and I panic, I fall and I’m totally fine. The drunk is probably why I fell in the first place. If you were at Cinema 9 on Pacific Saturday night and you saw some girl with an old man sweater and eye makeup like this

that was probably me. I kinda really injured myself, that was lame. While we battled the crowd TBU’s boss called and asked if we could save him 5 seats. We laughed and said we’d try. We lied, we didn’t even try. We took the first 2 seats we saw. I’ll gloss over the movie itself but I will bitch about the girl behind us. Do you live under a rock? In a cave? In Santa Cruz, it’s not completely unheard of but you didn’t smell and you paid $10 to see a movie on a Saturday night. So I think you’ve heard of Borat before. That being said, why were you so offended by EVERYTHING in the movie? And why did we all have to hear about it? Honestly, I don’t completely disagree with you, Borat can be a jackass. But if you “can’t handle it,” why go? You owe me $10. Well, you owe TBU $10.

All I will say about Borat is if you are not in the market for hairy, old man balls, then don’t go.

Sunday: We woke up and continued a tradition we just started. We go downtown late morning, maybe get a coffee, and sit on a bench. It is so relaxing. I’ve lived here for 5 years and 2 weeks ago was the first time I sat on a bench to just relax. I’ve sat on the benches before but that was when I was too poor to have anything else to do or when I was so drunk I was lucky to be on a bench and not in a parking lot. Last week I got hot chocolate but Peet’s fucked that up and I had no tasty, hot drink for my late morning loaf session. TBU has a Peet’s giftcard so of course we went back. I normally avoid caffeine at all costs because I’m really sensitive to it. But this Sunday I decided to go crazy and get the coffee. It was only noon, I had plenty of time to sweat it out. I got a small, poured out half and made cafe con leche. We had a lovely time. I bought some polymer clay to make who knows what.

Later that evening I painted a bunch of notecards for Christmas gifts. Something was off, but what? I’m feeling a little too, how do you say? Ah yes, a little too productive. I got seriously crafty with my bad self. Before I realized it I had painted over 100 notecards. Damn you, coffee. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep very well.

We went to a friends “bbq.” Oh yes, with the snarky quotes. As soon as we got there we were asked to take off our shoes. Fine, but isn’t this a bbq? Shouldn’t we be standing outside drinking beer? We got there an hour late hoping to bypass all the lollygagging but nothing was happening. Our hostess was in the shower! Our host immediately put on “literally” the funniest movie he had ever seen. Grandma’s Boy. The movie where a 30 something videogame tester lives with his grandma and accidentally gets her really, really high. There were a few golden moments but I signed up for a bbq not a movie where everyone who’s already seen it shouts out all of the lines and warns us about the “funny parts.” (Ha ha…funny parts) The funniest movie our host had ever seen included the scariest fake boobs I’ve ever seen (aside from Tara Reid’s, oh god), and tuh-ired marijuana jokes. “Oh I feel like a deer, how are my antlers?” Laaame. Anyone who has tried it knows half the shit isn’t even funny because it can’t be true. Unless, while smoking the weed, you also dropped some acid. Movies like this are why there are so many ridiculous misconceptions about marijuana.

Where was I? Oh right, who invites you to a bbq and forces you to watch a movie, a shitty movie no less. They may as well have said, Look, I know we invited you over but we are not smart, funny or witty enough to entertain. So we won’t even try. Instead we will rely on this piece of media to do all the work for us. Enjoy. At 8:15 another guest (the one who danced around and exclaimed, Oh, I love this song, to the soundtrack) whined, Tree House of Horror is on right now. When no one responded she started to panic and whined louder, You guys Tree House of Horror is on right now. Yeah genius, it’s already half over and oh yeah, I hate you. So our hostess says we can watch what’s left and finish the movie afterwards. I HAVE HAD IT. I nudged TBU. I am not stopping this movie so we can watch HALF of a Simpson’s episode I have already seen. Fuck you annoying girl who I can’t figure out is either retarded or foreign. You and your crazy striped socks and floppy beanie, you can just stop. So instead of making a socially graceful exit (like at the end of the movie!) we just left. We said our goodbyes, put our shoes on and left. Did I mention the food was delicious?

I’m unsure as to whether or not I should keep going. I’m only on Monday.

Monday: The cup of coffee was still screwing me over. I did not sleep well. While driving to work I felt a menace on the road. Little kids beware! But then it was fine because I realized if I adjusted my rearview mirror so I could actually see out of it I wouldn’t feel so out of control. Again. Damn you, coffee.

Tuesday: I voted. I love voting. I fucking love voting. On my way into the polling place a mom and young son were riding their bikes in. She had obviously just picked him up from school and decided to vote on the way home. He followed behind her and yelled in his small voice, Do you have to vote? She yelled back, Yes I have to vote! It’s my right. Awesome. I won’t go into the results of the mid-term elections, because you know what happened. I am pleased that prop. 85 here in California did not pass. Here is a picture of my I voted sticker and the top of my ballot.

That table is from my grandma, can you tell?

Wednesday: I listened to NPR and had mixed feelings. I mean hazzah! for Nancy Pelosi but W is still in office and The Governator got reelected. What is wrong with you California?! Really, should we go to group counseling? I’ll go if it will help. Santa Cruz also passed a measure putting marijuana related crimes at the bottom of law enforcement priority. After work I was talking to my student’s dad just letting him know how the day went and he touched me. It was all very innocent and socially appropriate but I think I flinched and I think he noticed. It was just so unexpected. Sorry student’s dad, you don’t repulse me or scare me, it’s just something I do.

Thursday: Today is the day I was supposed to go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. However, I did not. Victory is mine! I got up at 10 and stayed in my pajamas all day. Four day weekend, yes! I got pretty bored and redesigned my MySpace page. Please don’t hate me.

Friday: Today is Veteran’s Day. That means no school. That means no work. TBU asked if I wanted to go on a date with him tonight, dinner and a movie. We decided on The Departed and he said he’d make dinner. I squirted grapefruit juice in my eye as I wrote this.

Here is the flask in my produce and Jesus basket.

On second thought I should have cropped the onion out. Oh well. I like the fake Burberry look for a device that helps you drink in public. We had a terrible time trying to fill it up before the movie. Vodka all over me and all over the new car. The guy laying in the bushes really enjoyed our filling up the flask with a half-assed paper funnel banter. We tried putting in the mixer but by that point there was no point. Vodka evaporates but juice sticks. Somehow I remember the paper bag funnel working a lot better in high school.

[tags]Borat, voting, elections, punk in drublic, MySpace, election results, marijuana, measure K, marijuana laws, Santa Cruz, California[/tags]