TBU’s office party was friday night at The Shadowbrook, which is where you have your Christmas party to prove how swanky you are. I’d link but their website is just so awful. TBU swears I didn’t, but I feel like I must have embarassed him. As if he needed an excuse here are some things he could choose from.

1) When we got there I told his co-workers that we were going to bring a flask, but we didn’t have time to make the stop for vodka.

2) The server spilled a whole bottle of red wine on our table, miraculously missing my white blouse. Three seconds later I ruined my sleeve in my salmon dish.

3) I screamed at someone that they must be from Kentucky because they didn’t know the rules of White Reindeer. Sorry Token, although if it weren’t for you, Kentucky wouldn’t even have come to mind and I would’ve blurted out Alabama or something.

4) I passed my camera around so people could take pictures. Moldy bread face was there wearing a corset (of all ways to de-emphasize you chest acne!). She asked if her friend, also wearing a corset, and her could take a picture of their cleavage (more on that friend later). I said, Why not? It’s not like everyone hasn’t already seen it. She looked at me all shocked and I yelled, Oh please! By the way, why would you want to take a picture of your cleavage at your office party with someone else’s camera? It’s a cool office and all but I’m not sure she realizes she doesn’t work for Hugh Hefner. In response, the lady sitting next to me and I took a picture of our cleavage (hey, it’s MY camera)

There’s the white shirt that narrowly escaped ruin but could not be so lucky twice in one night.

For the White Reindeer exchange TBU and I brought two gift certificates to Camouflage. One was made out to Ron Jeremy and the other to Betty Paige. Moldy bread face got one and I snuck away with the other. I’m getting a vibrator, she’ll probably get another corset because acne flakes on embroidered and whale boned cloth is totally hot. TBU made out* with an automatic card shuffler. Automatic as in when you turn the knob.

*He left with…he didn’t actually make out with an automatic card shuffler. That might be painful. Or not, considering the negligible amount of automatedness actually involved.

Dinner itself was tons of fun. I shouldn’t have drunk (drank, drunken?) as much as I did because I took some pills before hand (What pills? I’m not telling!) but as you can see from the examples above, all turned out well. Who could resist when offered their first ever flute of Dom Perignon? Not The Millionizer. The night ended with me walking bare foot through the restaurant. This girl and 4 inch heels do not mix, we all knew they were for show anyway.

I said goodbye to moldy bread face and her corset friend AND OH MY GOD corset friend moved in for a hug. What is wrong with people? I did not say one word to this person beyond our introduction. Like seriously 4 words were exchanged between us and I had only known of her existence for 3 hours. There is something so sad and repulsive about the I just met you hug. It’s empty and meaninglesss and I do not want to be dragged into it. It’s a superflous hug dripping with the false friendships of junior high. A desperate effort to secure alliances and convince yourself that you are loved and wanted. It is void of all emotional connection beyond mutual self gratification. I don’t want any part of their quest for love and adoration. Go hug your mom, or TBU, because apparently he is a manwhore who doesn’t mind pressing himself up against random girls’ chests. It’s not the fact that I just met her that was the problem. The problem was that we didn’t have any reason to hug, we didn’t talk and laugh all through dinner, she is not my new friend. She is still the corseted girl who came with moldy bread face to me. I can’t fathom going to a friend’s office party and initiating hugs with people I don’t know. It’s so fucking presumptiuous. I just met you and I didn’t talk to you all night but I know I made an impression and you love me so you must want to hug me. Who does that? Junior high prom queens and people who wish they were the junior high prom queen, that’s who.

It’s like on Friends when Chandler consents to being slapped on the ass to be a team player. He can’t not get slapped on the ass because then everyone will wonder what’s wrong with him but it’s like this close to sodomy. And that’s exactly how I feel. I may not be in the majority but I know I’m not alone.

I hugged moldy bread face (by this point I was obligated) and while I made sure my face didn’t touch hers she squealed, You’re so awesome! I smirk at this.

Onwards, shall we?

The water from the cieling and the resulting aftermath never really got resolved. I mean it did, but only because enough time has passed that the floor dried itself. I’m still pissed. On Friday we had people over to take care of the remaining moisture and mold that grew because people are completely half-assed at their jobs. The landlord had the nerve to be pissy with TBU and tell him that the mold wasn’t a big deal. Umfuckyou.

I was so consumed with that crisis last week, I didn’t even mention I got a haircut Monday. Inevitably, I get really excited beforehand and I’m disappointed afterwards. At first I really liked it, then I realized it was part The Rachel and part mullet. It’s crazy and it kinda works but I totally took my own scissors to it. I paid $80 after tip, which was way too much for something I had to fix. But that’s kinda standard around these parts.

I am completely in love with my button maker. I went through all the sets the machine came with and ordered 250 more. The new sets came today and I am back in business. So far I’ve made buttons with a crazy giraffe, a stencil picture of Mr. Poopers, one that says ‘Spreadsheets are sfxy,’ another one that says ‘Librarians Dewey it better,’ one for our friend who is a DJ with an 80′s style boombox, and a bunch for TBU’s office. I have 5 new ideas including:

1) Your sparkles are so beautiful
2) Life is the bubbles
3) Evil keeps me young
4) I heart backseats
5) I fuck like a librarian

Suggestions?

The Millionizer is drunk but not sincere

ps Do any WordPress users know how I can get the date on my archives? There’s no date. It drives me crazy!

[tags]Work, office party, Christmas party, stop hugging me, WordPress, buttons[/tags]

Apparently the buttons I made last night are a big hit at TBU’s office. I’ll just wait for the orders to come rolling in.

The landlord and Creepy Handyman came over yesterday and “fixed” the hot water that was pouring out of our cieling. They left without taking care of the puddle the carpet became or the mushy wall. I called property management today and they said, well did you tell them about it? Oh I’m sorry I didn’t know they needed to be told that the carpet and wall were soaking wet since there was water literally flowing DOWN the sides of the wall ONTO the carpet. Silly me, I thought it was a self explanatory situation.

They sent over a guy to come clean the carpet (no word yet on the wall). The guy comes over and says he is going to clean my carpet. I’m like, Great. How about getting most of the water out of it first? He repeats that he’s here to clean the carpet. He starts at it. Ten minutes later I realize that he left the front door open and demon, feral cat is out there terrorizing someone. Like a retard, I get a bowl of food and start shaking it outside. I know my neighbors think I’m dumb. Dude, I think I’m dumb (No Kurt Cobain reference intended. But now that I said something you won’t believe me. Disregard this.) The guy finishes his job and tells me to open the windows and put a heater on the area because GET THIS, it will take up to 24 hours to dry. Instead of strangling him I tell him I thought that’s what he was here for TO DRY THE CARPET. He says, Yes, I clean the carpet and suck most of the water out. I guess there is nothing to argue about, so I thank him. He leaves. There is still a huge wet spot on the way to/from the bedroom and the bathroom, both very important rooms.

My student made a miraculous appearance at school today. Her mom said if I felt the need she could come pick her up. Thanks for giving me an excuse, lady. We sat and colored for an hour then I decided I didn’t want to deal with her anymore. I called her mom and said she was just not handling the day well. Student went home. I hung out with the science class for a couple hours and helped them launch rockets. Then I went home a few hours early. Was that wrong?

Guess what? We went to Costco last night and got dental floss. Crisis averted.

AT&T sent me an email reminder to pay my phone bill, which I do online. I clicked the link to sign in and it said, ERRORERRORERROR. They will get my money when they stop pissing me off with their bold, red ERROR.

I have to go check the laundry. I am none too pleased about that either.

The Millionizer is grateful, yet still resentful

[tags]Work, life, ghetto landlords[/tags]

My morning couldn’t have started any better. No, seriously. Water was falling from my cieling on to me. Warm water to boot. What’s that about? I was already late, so I woke TBU up and asked him to deal with it as I ran off.

Then I got to work and lo and behold no student. Fifteen minutes after she was supposed to be there her dad showed up to say, No Student today. Then he asked for my phone number (which I KNOW he already has) in an obvious attempt to excuse him from not calling. Excuse DENIED. I could be sleeping right now.

I went home to the sound of Creepy Handyman tearing a hole in my cieling. TBU came home for lunch and we sulked about how there is a hole in our cieling and laughed at how metaphorical we are. There is a hole in my cieling, there is a hole in my life.

Onwards.

I bought a Turbie Twist (check out their News and Events page. If following instructions is eventful and newsworthy then, well I don’t know). They are not as absorbent as they would like you to believe. They’re made out of the cheap, thin terry cloth, but do the trick. I remember seeing cheesy commercials for these way back when. I never thought I would be a Turbie Twist girl. But here I am telling you they are quite wonderful. Obviously, I don’t know anything about your showering habits (oh but if I did) but for me, having my hair constantly ruin my efforts to dry the rest of me off was crazy making. I used another towel but they were too big and heavy and they unraveled. My mom joked that she was going to get me, that turban towel thingy. I scoffed and considered myself better than that. I caved and I am wearing one right now. I don’t know why I mentioned any of this, it’s pretty boring actually. I guess maybe for that one girl out there who is suffering with her wet hair as much as I was.

Last Wednesday our neighbor came over to say one of our cats was terrorizing her. I guess he really, really likes to hang out on her balconey and her boyfriend is deathly allergic. She couldn’t get him to move. TBU suggested she just spray him. She said she did that until he was sopping wet now please get your cat off my balconey. So now this feral fuck is constantly inside and I resent him like I resent evil. Now the litter box has to be in all day. Now I have to yell at him to get off the table all day. There was a reason he was outside all the time. He’s not fun to be around. This is the cat we found in a parking lot, he’ll attack, scratch, and bite pretty much anything. I don’t want him inside anymore. I would take him to the shelter except I know they’ll euthanize him on the spot because no one in their right minds would adopt him. He’s like a painting. He’s pretty to look at but don’t touch or the security guards will beat you down. I emphasize beat and down.

You know what I hate? When you go to a store like Costco and once you come home you realize you forgot something. Now you could go to say, Longs and get dental floss but it’s such a better deal at Costco. But you really need dental floss. It’s so tiny you feel like you shouldn’t have to go to a warehouse for it so you kind of just don’t do anything and hope the floss will last until you regain the energy and competitive spirit needed to go back to Costco.

TBU just walked in bearing gifts. I got a button press! Seriously JUST THIS SECOND I went from not owning a button press to totally owning a button press. Get ready world, I have a ton of ironic phrases waiting for you.

Christmas list is coming right along, The Millionizer muttered under her breath

[tags]Christmas, Christmas List, button press, my cat, shopping, work, Turbie Twist[/tags]