Why I can’t wait til I’m 30
I stayed up really, really late reading Brittanie’s archives. I was kinda taken aback at how similar we are. Of course, she is much cooler and does things on a daily basis that I would like to do if I were a more awesome person. Damn Vespa riding bitch. Then I got to a post that I totally disagreed with and felt like I had to take responsibility for the lack of understanding between us. Have I mentioned I DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON IN REAL LIFE? This is how much of a weirdo I am. I tried to reconcile with her opinion, but I simply could not. I learned something about myself. I learned I usually assume the other person is right when there is a discrepancy of some sort. I have always done it but I took a good look at it last night. Mostly, it’s when the other person is someone I respect for some reason. For expample, I respect Brittanie for her seemingly effortless writing and balls to do so with her real identity. I found out how much I really disagreed with her because, although my first instinct is to defer to the other person, I just couldn’t let her have it. Then I realized that I have a built-in barometer for what I feel strongly about. I don’t know if this is just me because I am not yet emotionally full grown, but sometimes I don’t know what my opinion is on various issues. I may think I feel a certain way then someone comes along with a well-formed argument and I am easily swayed. I am not necessarily swayed to their side of the pendulum but I am easily swayed to the middle. But if I cannot be swayed even a little then I know where I stand. And, even though I wish I knew myself a little better, that’s pretty cool. I guess respecting my barometer is part of knowing myself. Maybe I don’t have to have strong opinions on everything. I can deal with that.
Oh, I also learned that I can still read and enjoy her blog even though there is one thing (so far) that we don’t see eye to eye on. Maybe I tried so hard to agree with her because were are so similar in tons of other ways, at least from what I read. I hope this doesn’t sound creepy or obsessive. I am fully aware that she is a real person, entitled to her views. I know we only know each other from one side of the computer screen. No, I don’t host dolly tea parties and have imaginary conversations with her. I am not going crazy. There is something incredibly intimate, though, in reading what someone write’s about themselves. After a while I start to root for them and it’s easy to find ways to relate. That’s all, no crazy, just empathy.*
*Goddamn me and not being able to resist the urge to defend myself. When will I be able to write something and just let it stand for itself?
TBU’s best quote last night, “I demand that everything wow me.” I totally understand.
We leave for Costa Rica on Friday, THIS FRIDAY, and I am woefully under prepared.** Luckily, I have the absolute essentials ready, like my passport. But I don’t have the little things that make travelling a little easier. Since we will be travelling all around the Western part of the country for the second half of the trip we are only taking backpacks. No luggage, just backpacks. I am a pretty light packer, but 9 days on a backpack? I am a little nervous. I’ve been writing then editing list after list of what I need. Camera definitely. Binoculars non-essential.
**I suspect I used that exact phrase in reference to Mexico. Freshen up Millionizer.
I have about 14 things that need to be mailed out to 14 different people and I just do not want to go to the post office. I will have to soon, though because things are starting to pile up. Since we are leaving at the end of the week I guess I have to.
I watched this movie last night and I would definitely recommend it. It inspired me as a filmmaker and I haven’t been inspired in a long time. Years. It made me want to take action start affecting (is that the word I’m looking for?) changes, not only in the film industry but American pop culture. We need it. I also like how Kirby Dick gave us a lesson on the ratings system and the history of censorship in American films and basically everything you need to know about the birth of the industry as we know it in less than 10 minutes. I spent 9 weeks on the same subject and now I feel like I finally understand it. Film school is so fucking pretentious. That might be why I liked it so much. Finally! A reason to feel pretentious.
The Millionizer got new underwear and thinks about how sexy they feel under her jeans for a large portion of her day. Especially at work.
[tags]American Film, film school, self realization, Costa Rica, travel[/tags]
8 Comments
Okay, so what post was it? (You can email me…)
Besides, you know, I’ve been known to change too.
Ah, jeez, I was gonna say the same thing! I wanna know…
What I do
I agree with part of what you say. Writing in a journal and basically mentally dribbling onto a piece of paper does not make a writer. As a filmmaker I don’t consider people who make home videos of their retarded ass kids fellow filmmakers. But to me, it all boils down to passion and constantly striving for improvement. What I object to the most is the very narrow definition of what it means to be a writer. Like the only way to have any credibility is to have an editor butcher your baby or go through exceptional anguish in publishing your writing in tangible print. Peer review is important in growing in any artform, but I think it’s just as valid coming from friends and family who understand your passion as it is coming from a tyrranical editor. Getting paid is not a requiremnent for credibility either. I change my mind, that’s what I object to the most. There are plenty of writers who had to go through the same process you did and got paid, but are otherwise worthless. Dan Brown being a good example. So that’s the offending post. Otherwise, right on.
I guess I should also add that I meant for the post to mostly be about me learning about myself and how I operate more than being in disagreement with you. That’s why I didn’t add the link, I didn’t realize I was leaving you guys hanging.
Yeah, I got a lot of shit for that one. I still think, as I said at the beginning of the post, that I never quite make my point when I talk about this. It’s less about being tortured and edited to shreds and more about doing it for a living, not just as a hobby.
I mean, now that I don’t work I have a pretty hard time assigning that title to myself too. It makes me feel like a sham, like a braggart and a liar.
Yeah, I figured by that one irate comment you heard a lot of opinions about it. I see your point about doing it for a living but it just doesn’t work for me. I, for example, haven’t made a film in almost two years. And I have NEVER been paid for it. But again, I think it’s passion, inspiration and striving to master something. I don’t have to make films to work on them. I have several ideas strategies always going. The way I work I just get the inspiration to do it one day and boom, there it is, even if it was an idea from a year ago. I also have grandiose ideas and delusions of granduer that I can’t be defined by my job. So I think that’s where the problem arises for me.
I’ve thought about that a lot too, recently. I mean, if were, say a secretary, I wouldn’t want to be defined by my job either, For a of of people (my husband and father included) work for them is just a means to an end. A way to be able to afford everything else they do and what defines them. But if I were really doing something that I loved for a living (and I’d be lucky) then I would totally hold onto that title as part of my identity. For example, I hate teaching, but a lot of people, they ARE teachers.
But it’s okay to disagree. I’ll still be friends with you.
I agree with your husband and father completely. But working in a school, there are some born teachers out there. I figured we could still be friends.