The toilet flooded the bathroom this morning. It wasn’t a huge surprise considering something goes wrong with this place every three weeks. It doesn’t help that our landlord never really fixes the problem. He is skilled at stopping it temporarily. Case in point: The last time he was here I told him the toilet keeps making the fill up noise, we could stop it if we tighten some thingamajiggy in the tank, but it always starts back up in about 45 minutes. His fucking response was to say, “Oh you just need to tighten this. Here, let me show you.” UM YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG ASSWIPE, DID YOU NOT JUST HEAR WHAT I SAID? So he tightened said thingy and the noise stopped. He gave me a look like he had given me a what for. I repeated that the noise will come back in 45 minutes. And, of course, his response was, “Well it’s stopped now.” Oh my god.

So the landlord and the creepy handyman are here fucking some more shit up. And I have to pee.

UPDATE: I wrote the above yesterday, then flailed and never finished the post. It’s now Saturday and it has been determined that the leak was actually from a hot water pipe in the wall behind the sink. It was so bad it prompted our landlord to say he was EMBARASSED and he would get a PLUMBER out here. And he gave us $20 to get some dinner because our place was such a mess. He also came by this morning to check up and gave us another $20 to go get some breakfast. You know it must’ve been bad if he was actively embarassed and decided to pay for an actual plumber.

On a brighter note, I watched my first ever episode of American Idol. We started on the second night of the premier in Seatle. Wow. Just wow. I couldn’t stop laughing and screaming at what John Hodgman, from The Daily Show, called “Felini-esque derangement.” It’s true. When contestant #80231 first came into my life all I could do was scream at TBU to look at her boobs. Lookatherboobs! LOOKATHERBOOBS! He couldn’t stop laughing, he passed me the pipe and said, “You’ve gotta try this.” We had such a good time we decided to find a copy of the first episode. I wasn’t as emotionally prepared to watch this episode as the first. Everyone seemed much sadder and it seemed wrong to laugh at them, I guess that’s what Minneapolis does to you. I don’t think I’ll watch the regular season. I’m not much into other people’s talent. Although, some who made it through were highly questionable. Basically, if you’re military personnel you’re in. Others made it through because Simon wanted to fuck them.

I’ve spent the whole of the day so far in in my robe and braless. I don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand, I’m comfortable. On the other hand, I can’t stop thinking about their eventual sag.

It’s 2:20 and we’re just now thinking about breakfast. Stellar.

I’ve started wearing a pedometer. As you probably know, the goal is to get to 10,000 steps each day. For the first few days I was lucky if I made it to 7,000. But now I’m pretty consistent at around 11,000 steps. I’m telling you this because I was thinking of doing an Uberrrlist update for the month of January. Even though I never mentioned a pedometer, I feel like I’m accomplishing something. I went over what I have and haven’t been accomplishing and I’ve basically done nothing on the list. I eat a lot of cheese for someone who is supposed to be eliminating dairy from her diet. However, I just got the tea kettle I asked for today and I’m putting it to good use as we speak. So that mission is on it’s way to completed. Surprisingly, I’ve been reaching all of my exercise goals. I hate to admit this but I never expected to do them. I mean, I intended to. I just expected to convince myself not to. But the upcoming trip to Costa Rica has nugded me into high gear. I’ve been working out at least three times a week for the past two and a half weeks and I’ve gained 3.4 pounds. It feels great. I know I should expect my weight to fluctuate as I gain muscle but can’t the scale give me the number and then a word of encouragement? Geez. I am a dork for weighing myself everyday. At least I don’t do it multiple times a day. Oh no, not ever, not me.

In other news, I’ve been avoiding the update to the new version of WordPress. I feel like a new one will just come out tomorrow so why bother today? It is kinda stressing me out though.

The Millionizer has delusions of adequacey

[tags]Wordpress, American Idol, Costa Rica, Uberlist, new year, renting sucks[/tags]

I am pigeon toed. Of all my body flaws, this is the one I hate the most. I didn’t even realize it until I was 16 or 17, now it’s all I can think about.

I feel like I am capable of so much more than I actually accomplish. I am fucking brilliant sometimes. But brilliance doesn’t count as much as action.

I have several notebooks I carry around, each serving a different purpose. One is for my ideas for themillionizer.com. Another one is for my brilliant ideas. And another one is for art project ideas. One more is for things I want/need to do. Yet another one is for miscellaneous purposes. I don’t carry them all around all the time, but I really feel like I should consolidate them all. For example, I’ll have themillionizer.com notebook on me but I’ll have an art project idea. Then I’ll go to write it down and the words, “Oh I can’t write it in this one, it’s not the right notebook,” WILL ACTUALLY GO THROUGH MY HEAD. So I wind up not writing it down for pretty much the stupidest reason ever.

Today is Dr. Martin Luther King Day. I just assumed I didn’t have work today, I didn’t even really check. The school down the street from me says there is no school, so I figured it was universal. Plus, even if I did have work today and didn’t show up, someone would call me all pissed off wondering where I was. It’s 11:30 and no such thing has happened.

My mom and dad are divorced and have been since I was two. I have absolutely no anger towards either of them. I know the divorce was best for everyone involved, including me. I talk to my dad every two months or so. Suffice to say, he doesn’t really know me very well. He’s been asking me the same questions since I can remember. He asked what I wanted for Christmas and I said a tea kettle. He responded by saying, “I didn’t know you drank tea.” That’s like saying, “I didn’t know you sometimes grill chicken.” Of course not, how would you? While I was talking to him yesterday, I had a sudden and sharp fear of his death for two reasons. When he dies I will know that I didn’t do my very best to make and keep contact with him and let him get to know me. And, seeing as I am his only child, I am probably listed as his beneficiary. The thought of having to go through his things once he dies is terrifying. It would be like going through the possessions of a stranger who has all your pictures on the wall. Also, I have never been to my dad’s current house. He has lived there for over 10 years.

My cat humps things. Mostly blankets and pillows. When we throw him off he gets really irate. But the best part is when you can see his kitty boner bobbing up and down, and then he licks it. We really frown on him doing it when company is around but secretly it’s pretty funny.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work in over three weeks. And although I could definitely use the money, the thought of going back is like two hands wrapped tightly around my neck.

My senior year in high school my mom had a hysterectomy and due to a persistent fever, she had to stay in the hospital about a week. I convinced her to let me stay by myself. On the first day our refrigerator died. I didn’t want to tell her because she would have made me stay at a friends house. So I cleaned the refrigerator out, salvaged what I could, got the beach cooler out and bought 20lbs of ice. I kept the cooler on the counter and conveniently drained it over the sink. Every day after school I would swing by the grocery store and pick up an extra 5lbs of ice. Sir Chinko and I spent a lot of time with Lolita’s and her carne asada burritos/California fries/taquitos. On the fourth day, my mom’s good friend found out, picked me up and took me to Sear’s. I picked out a refrigerator and she bought it, just like that. She also paid $100 extra so they would deliver it the same day. She never even mentioned the money. My mom has tried to pay her back and all she will say is, “No, that’s what friends do.” That was the most amazing thing anyone had ever done for me. That whole situation is also simultaneously hilarious and sad. I mean I lived out of a cooler! It still brings a smile to my face. But also, I lived out of a cooler. A tiny voice says, “awww,” every time.

This is pretty funny. If you like fake gay boybands who only sing about dicks. Yup yup.

The Millionizer decides this is where it ends.

My weird eating habits

-eat a salad with lunch and dinner
-make each meal low sodium
-have fiber cocktail 2x a day (seriously, it’s a cocktail, no booze just fiber)
-completely remove dairy (except whey, that’s dairy right?)
-limit chocolate to 2 servings a day (haha, what dairy?)
-take all vitamins and minerals everyday
-start taking more vitamin C
-have protein shake once a day (shake, shake, shake senora, shake it all the time)
-have tea every night (to feel like a responsible adult who can enjoy soothing drinks without alcohol)
-find salt substitute

This goobly body

-stretch every night before bed (if I do nothing else in this category but this one, I will be happy)
-do yoga once per week (for 1/2 hour)
-work out at least 3x per week for 1 hour(walking, trampoline, weights)(not counting yoga)
-put lotion on my ass, hands, and feet every day
-for that matter put lotion on my arms and legs too
-get at least 7 hours of sleep per night (haven’t I figured this out yet?)
-make schedule so this is all possible (dar)

Making money

-contribute at least $20 to each savings acct per month
-start selling stuff on Ebay
-design and promote 50 buttons
-website
-Etsy
-Start Esty acct (already started, nothing for sale. yet)
-pay off Amex card (seriously, can we do this? please?)
-get a new job that doesn’t make me want to abuse children (TBU has informed me that of all the jobs he’s had, he still wants to abuse children.)
-get mom’s website up

New stuff

-learn to knit
-learn to do polymer clay molds
-make some pens
-learn to play gin/rummy
-learn to play hearts
-master MS Office (Word, Excel, Outlook etc) (it looks good when you can do what’s on your resume)
-master Photoshop (ditto)
-master Illustrator (ditto)
-master InDesign (di. tto.)
-start a life scrapbook
-similarly, do the Mexico scrapbook
-learn calligraphy

Stuff to enjoy

-drink tea everyday (second appearance, I know)
-go on a Roaring Camp ride
-go to the moonrocks
-go to at least 5 free skool classes

My So-called Life

-start and FINISH projects
-complete all daily to-do lists
-clean desk area (keep it clean, moron)
-get bookcase
-organize crafts -> get drawer or whatever
-clean out closet (almost all done, i threw out the pants I wore to my after prom party. finally.)
-clean out bedroom
-get on CAN network
-start and maintain an address book (so you have them when you need them. dar.)
-start and maintain a calendar
-write something everyday
-write down my brilliant ideas before I forget (because there are so many)
-be awesome and decorate
-make pinatas (~!) for birthdays
-carve pumpkins for Halloween
-put out the nativity scene and light holiday scented candles

So that’s it. It’s kind of rambling. I may have lost sight of what I was doing for a few minutes and that’s when things like “take more vitamin c” got added. I am so terrible at doing things if I haven’t written them down, I think I’ve mentioned that before. I’m going to add stuff, I’m sure.

Oh, get this. I was at my mom’s house thinking about my Uberrrlist, which inevitably led me to think of my Life List. I was also watching Conan O’Brien (just wait, it matters). And Conan was holding a monkey and I briefly fell in love with the monkey. Which prompted me to add “hold monkey” to my Life List. Even as I made the mental note, I wondered how I was going to make it happen. If it were easily done I would have done it by now. Then I got back to Santa Cruz and TBU surprised me with a trip to COSTA RICA! for our 5 year anniversary. Then I added 2+2 and equalled it out to HOLDING A MONKEY. Am I right? Tell me I’m right. The end of January to the beginning of February, I have 10 days and 9 nights to find myself a monkey to hold. I can’t wait.

I don’t know how I am going to get the time off work. So far, I only have a sub for 2 out of the 7 days. I am so seriously prepared to be the person who quits 3 jobs in less than a year to go to Costa Rica (and hold a monkey). Fuck this job anyway, I am so tired of all these teachers and parents thinking my life revolves around their classroom. They may as well disappear if I can’t see them. Because they don’t exist to me. They should all know by now anyway that none of us are here permanently. I am simply being paid. Where was I? Oh, right. I may soon be unemployed. Again. As my 12th grade English teacher always said (him and everyone else), “carpe diem.” Thanks Mr. Helle.

In conclusion, I got to Planned Parenthood at 8:30 this morning so I could be first in line for birth control. But alas, I was like 37th in line. I applied for real people’s insurance last night, hopefully soon I can go back to a doctor who doesn’t almost exclusively treat venereal diseases. Hey, not me. I said ALMOST. The good news is they gave me eight (8!) months worth of birth control because I complained so much about how badly Depo Provera sucks. I’ll tell you that story later. Oh and the other conclusion is I’m holding a monkey soon. Costa Rica!

[tags]Costa Rica, monkeys!, Planned Parenthood, Depo Provera, Uberlist, Uberrrlist, life list[/tags]