Funky Cold Medina

How was your Thanksgiving? Did your boyfriend get pass-out drunk and embarrass you in front of your family? Did your grandma broach the topic of sodomy? No? Well I hope you had a good time anyway.

So… I got me some tagged. The rules are you post 7 interesting things about yourself and tag others. I don’t know 7 other real life bloggers and I fear the ones I do know will think I’m a dork if I tag them. So here’s what I’m going to do; tell you 7 things about myself and hope that you do the same on your blog. If you do, you have to tell me about it.

  1. I gave some serious thought to this list in the hopes I wouldn’t come off as boring
  2. I am gullible
  3. I hate whiskey and scotch but will drink them if that’s all you’ve got, knowing full well I will be hungover
  4. I am vegetarian and plan to be vegan by 2008 (X, Mattman: call me! I have questions)
  5. My mom gets me a Farside desk calendar every year, I would be sad if she didn’t
  6. My biggest fear is being 60 and feeling like I never lived
  7. I drink at least a gallon of water every day

BONUS: I hate reggae, Futurama and the city of Las Vegas

My mom was in town for the turkey festivities. I made all my own vegan fixings and she was cool about it and tried all of it. I knew my mom wouldn’t care either way but I made her promise not to tell the rest of the fam. They are a crazy deer hunting, redneck, tri-tip loving bunch. There is something so weird about people making you feel guilty because you have your reasons for not eating animals. All in all though, only my mom and my aunt knew I brought my own shit and no one else even noticed because WE ARE A FAMILY OF DRUNKARDS and grandma was busy going off about sodomy. We had a great time. I am looking forward to my moms visits more and more. I took her on a sail around the Monterey Bay, I was a little apprehensive because being a nurse and all, she is such a safety nut (she still never misses an opportunity to talk to me about date rape and watching my surroundings) but I was reminded that she used to go deep sea fishing and never gets sea sick. My mom is so rad.

Oh oh oh! BIG BIG NEWS! My mom bought me a sewing machine! I am so excited, I can’t even explain. I have been wanting one for years. Finally Costco wised up and was like, The Millionizer really wants this, maybe we should feature it for the 2007 holiday season. And they did, and it is great. My mom gave me a lesson last night. But now that she’s gone I am afraid to touch it because I don’t want to mess it up. I think I am going to give this girl a shout and see if she will give me a lesson or two. But she is ubercool and probably wants nothing to do with a dork like me. Man, I am feeling especially self conscious tonight. A couple months ago she was like, let’s go get some coffee together. And I was like, Yeah. And she was like, When are you available? And I had some complicated crazy ass schedule and came off annoying and needy and high maintenance and we wound up not ever getting together. I blame myself, naturally. I’m going to give it a try though and keep you updated because you are so interested.

Alright my loves, post your inneresting facts and tell me about it.

The Millionizer tries to tone it down but it’s never enough

PS Did you know that song Funky Cold Medina is about hydrocodone cough syrup when it used to be available OTC? Hydrocodone is fucking vicodin! I’m bored and tired of drinking and smoking. I know! Let’s go to Long’s and get some motherfucking vicodin. Fuck yeah! Man, the 80’s rocked so hard.

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November 25, 2007|A day in the life, Alcohol Induced, Mama Millionizer, Social Anxiety, The Boyfriend Unit, What I Hate|4 Comments

You love blow and I love coke

There’s a line in an Amy Winehouse song where I thought she said, You love blow and I love coke, in reference as to why some relationship would never work. I fucking loved that line. I thought it was hilarious and clever and totally wino. For some reason I decided to look up the lyrics; my world came crashing down when I read that the line is actually, You love blow and I love puff. It just doesn’t catch me the same way. I still sing You love blow and I love coke, though, I mean c’mon, it’s a gem.

In more music opinion news let’s talk some Fall Out Boy. I’ve previously mentioned my juvenile taste in music. If I were friends with 14 year olds I’d be their god. I know all the music and I can buy them alcohol. Man, I am so cool. Anywhoo, I really like their older stuff. God how cliche, everyone’s older stuff is better. If it weren’t, what would all the douches of the world be in to? Yeah yeah yeah everyone’s better when no one has heard of them, except when they’re not. I am so into “Pretty in Punk.” it is just so bad, it’s like I made it. Maybe that’s why I play it on repeat during my commute. I dunno, who’s to say.

Loving music makes me want to put shit-tons of black eyeliner on and bite my nails by candlelight. Especially Dashboard. Good god.

Nail polish is all The Millionizer needs to ruin your table

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November 10, 2007|A day in the life, Alcohol Induced|5 Comments

It is TOO risky

The Millionizer lives!

I have been all sorts of busy. My vagina needs a nap. The Millionizer, now with more vagina! I only call my vagina vagina because when people call it weird things like burger (I’ve heard it!), pussy, down there, or whatever it seriously creeps me out. Don’t get me started on the lameness that is va-jay-jay. I also hate the word “panties.” Dear fucking god that word pisses me off. I don’t know why, maybe because it somehow infantilizes women’s underwear. Or because it’s the equivalent of making a screwdriver pink. It’s fucking underwear, undies or chones if you’re Mexican. Boys have tried to refer to my panties and lost out on whole nights of unbridled amazing. I don’t really know why I’m telling you about any of this.

I’m glad to be back. There’s no better way to procrastinate than by writing a post. But alas, let’s skip to the point. I have my iPhone with me when I’m out on the streets and I am so glad because some hilarious shit is out there. I have documented what I have seen in the past couple weeks for you, my fair reader.

First, is the collection of church marquees. They’re going to have to try something else because all these make me want to do is laugh and mock them on the internet, not accept jesus christ as my lord and savior.

Next, we have the homemade neighborhood signs designed for various purposes.


This strange wording is just breathtaking


Welcome?

And now the local graffiti.


That says, Upfucks Crazed, which has become my go to exclamation.

That last one just kills me. Like when you’re all sweaty and feeling unsexy and you have to refuse your girlfriends sexual advances to maintain your dignity. It’s so adorable, it just kills me that I can’t have it. Here are the things I think are adorable about it

  • Hot pink
  • Vague shrug
  • Claws only on one hand? paw?
  • Hearts for eyes and tail thingy
  • The teefs
  • Bunny ears
  • The implied sass

The day after I took this picture it was painted over. It was on an abandoned house down the street. If the house is so abandoned why is anyone taking care of it? I dunno but I was glad I got the photo. I call this the Seabright Monster and it is my life’s wallpaper. If you are the artist of this masterpiece please contact me. We should be friends. Drinks will be involved, maybe more.

That is all.

The Millionizer doesn’t mind if she starts over, but she hopes she comes back

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November 7, 2007|A day in the life|8 Comments