Teebs is sick and busy sleeping. So I can’t yell at him for leaving root beer gummies at the bottom of the coffee mug for two weeks. I’ve grown tired of yelping. What’s a girl to do? Blog. And eat an entire piece of lavash bread and almost a whole container of garlic hummus. Trader Joe’s, you’ve foiled me again.

X is for sure coming down next weekend. What will we do? Probably a lot of nothing and a little bit of everything.

How about those fuckers who cut you off at the last second and then go slow enough to turn back time. What’s up with them? I mean, if you’re crazy enough to almost die coming out of a parking lot, surely you have it in you to speed it up by 10 or 15 mph. Are they the same ones who merge onto the freeway at 35mph? That’s just dangerous for everyone involved. And it’s always a minivan or a 1978 cadillac.

A while back, my aunt told me that she uses an epilator instead of shaving. I was fascinated by the whole thing. It’s the effect of waxing with the convenience of shaving, sorta. I was like, Hey, now that’s an idea. It’s also kind of an engineering feat. It’s a hundred mechanical tweezers plucking your body hair out in a delicate dance. So I bought one. And holy christ you guys. It manages to include two of my favorite things, hair removal and pain. I tried it on my armpit and immediately teared up. This thing is hardcore. I called my aunt and she said she doesn’t even notice the pain anymore. ?!?! Apparently, after a couple times it stops hurting so bad. It might take more than a couple episodes. In fact, I don’t know if I’m hardcore enough. My aunt though, she is hardcore.

The Millionizer is off to think positive thoughts and drink some water from a glass

So p-kitty has the cancer. Lymphoma. She has a mass (tumor?) that is making it hard for her to breathe through her nose. It breaks my heart hearing her struggle to breathe. She could breathe through her mouth, but she chooses not to. I guess that’s how cats roll. Through their noses or bust. I don’t get it. She is on chemo pills for the cancer and steroids to help her breathe. I swear to god, I never thought I would be one of those people. Like when I told you chemo pills were you like, rilly? Rilly? Cuz, I would be. Oh, and we feed her with a syringe. But she’s started to eat on her own lately so hopefully that will stop. It’s a little unnerving; how nurturing I’ve become. It was like, I have this in me? Where do I keep it? I’m trying to be blindly optimistic without being in denial. I wasn’t even going to tell the interwebs because as The Secret taught us, what you speak about you bring about. I KNOW! So fucking cheesy, but I will do anything to keep this cat living a quality life. Including, but not limited to, buying $100 worth of supplements and shit. I dunno man, you can’t judge unless you’ve been there. OK, let’s think positive thoughts. Like…

My mom got my hair done last night before I got on the plane. I was like, Mom, I’m getting pink stripes in my hair. And she was like, No you’re not. -Yes I am. -Not if I’m paying for it. <giggle, giggle> I got my hair done while she was at work. And it’s pink. I’ve never had my hair colored professionally, like professionally primary colored. I’ve always gone to the drug store and made my bathroom the scene of a murder. But it turns out so much nicer when someone who is paid to do it, does it. Mom loves it. She liked it even better as she watched me go through security at the airport and easily spotted me. She called me as I was going up the escalator to the terminal and stalkerishly whispered, I see you, you’re on the escalator. I turned around and we blew each other kisses. I miss Mom, she’s amazing. She’s 56 and working on her bachelor’s degree. How cool is that? She also chastises me for judging people in the same breath that she points out a teetering fat lady in sausage jeans and toothpick stilettos. We watch intently, one day that inappropriately dressed fat lady is going fall and we’ll be ready.

Also, my former co-worker got a sewing machine and it’s the exact same one as mine. No big deal, except that I’m a dork and read her post about getting a noise machine and ran out and bought the exact same one. I’m using it tonight for the first time. I hope it’s as effective as the fan. I love me the fan. What you’re thinking is, So the fuck what? You would be right, I have no point to this. I am just easily amused.

I had a jolly good time in San Diego this Christmas. There were hangovers (totally Sir Chinko’s fault) but there was no peeing on myself or throwing up. And that is what I call a success. Sir Chinko deftly summarizes my non-Mom related experiences here and here.

X is supposed to be in the Santa C next week. I hope she isn’t teasing me like she used to do with the boys back before she was a mondo slut. Except now she is just a slut for Snake. So it’s like it never happened. It’s just because I love you X. And also because I’m terribly jealous of your sexual exploits. Terribly. My point being that I AM SO EXCITED THAT X IS (maybe totally, hopefully?) COMING TO VISIT! Drinking and loud laughing, woot!

Ok, let’s all think about p-kitty’s mass shrinking into the ether and never returning.

The Millionizer has poor boundaries and just spent like 4 hours registering for Yelp. Don’t waste your time, it is easier and more satisfying to just start a whole new blog of your reviews. Because hay-seuss kreesto customizing that shit is impossible. Yelp, fix yo shit.

[tags]lymphoma, yelp, san diego, christmas, inappropriate imagery[/tags]

It’s not a fungal infection.