In between working and studying for my final, on Tuesday, I have been noting songs I want to add to my karaoke repertoire. I don’t do it often but when I do, I like to blow.* I’m determined to get a couple Poison songs under my belt and maybe a Depeche Mode song. Depeche Mode is tricky though, it’s very low and will only rock if the crowd is into it. What am I saying? Of course the crowd will be into it. It’s the Millz and Depeche Mode, that’s a lethal combination. It’s like auditory opiates. I believe opiates are the universal drug, nobody doesn’t like ‘em. That’s only a theory though, no epidemiological evidence to back it up. I just like them so much I don’t want to meet the person who doesn’t. Although I could have already met them and not know it because it’s not like I ever bring it up. I need to stop, I sound like a junkie, which is inaccurate, I swear. Would a junkie hold down a job, a blog, a myspace page and school? A functioning junkie yes, but that’s beside my point. I’m intimate with opiates because of several surgeries since childhood. See? Totally on the up and up. No one ever has a problem with legal drugs.

*Ah, to blow. Sir Chinko and I refer to singing as blowing which is as sexual as our relationship gets. We’re not just singing we’re fucking blowing, like the speakers, and your mind. One time we had plans to karaoke “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” by Bonnie Tyler. So in anticipation I google messaged him at work: We are gonna blow Bonnie Tyler so hard. No response. A few minutes later he called. Apparently his boss was at his computer and only said, I don’t care what you do outside of work.

Oh, oh! Speaking of opiates, I know why I haven’t been able to give up cheese. Apparently it digests into mild opiates in your intestinal tract. At least that’s what some internet doctor said, believe what you will. I buy it though. My god, cheese is like teenage sex. Ravishing and snuck in several times a day.

Monkey Busker II has come home. Pics to follow. I spent a half hour in Petsmart judging the prettiness, flowiness and activity levels of about 65 male bettas before making my choice. He is a handsome man. I know you guys think my animals are boring but I can’t help talking about them. My apologies.

The Millionizer has a work holiday brunch/party tomorrow

P -motherfucking- S: Can the internet just stop talking about 2 girls 1 cup? Please? C’mon you guys, it’s gone too far. It’s people eating, nay savoring shit for fucks sake. We need to move past this as a community, it’s imperative to our survival. No wonder the internet isn’t taken seriously, some amazing things happen on these tubes and it’s overshadowed by some Brazilian dude and his fucked up fetish. There are parodies of reaction videos, it’s too much, it’s over. Ok. I’m gonna go to bed and I expect we will have forgotten about it by the time I wake up. Thank you.

Monkey Busker has passed this world and is working his way through the next. With three cats in this household you might imagine what gruesome position I found him in this morning. Well, you would be wrong. One of the cats may have been involved, but indirectly. It’s weird to explain, but he got stuck in the roots of the plant he loved so much and couldn’t get back deep enough into the water to breathe. All before I had a chance to post the picture I took of him last night. I decided to get another betta and that it too, will be named Monkey Busker. Why? Because it’s a great name that’s why. Here is our dearly departed.

Notice his yummy minty center

Speaking of dead animals. Here is what greeted me as I left for work this morning.

These were all taken with my iPhone, which, for some retarded reason has no focus adjustment ability. Perhaps you can see the mousey blur through all the nicely focused rocks. It looks so sweet and sleepy. If it weren’t for that ridonkulous tail it might even be adorable. Well not anymore, I don’t know what dead animal can be adorable AND in a dumpster.

Here is the bruise I gave myself a couple days ago as I attempted to transport my sewing machine for an exchange. It was a struggle getting out the front door and then locking it, but I made it. Only to be foiled by the delicate process of turning and not tripping. I picked myself up quickly, hoping no neighbors saw what must have been hysterical. I was carrying a box 1/3 my size, my arms stretched to hold it up, my eyes peering over the top and BOOM. Down we all went with a heavy, clanky thud. If there is a fetish for people tripping, this was the money shot.

Here are two pictures of the vehicles of local kooks.

GLOBAL WARMING: The RAPTURE of the LEFT!

Oh and for those of you with interest in Houston ::ahem Brittanie:: have you seen this gem? G.E.M. (click to enlarge, you won’t be disappointed)

“…to climax into the vortex.” Is that like the ultimate blow job or something? Also, the screen shot from Twister is totes necessary.

Oh, and Happy friggin Chanukah everyone. TBU’s dad sent us a card with two checks in the amount of $100! That’s right, The Millz, raised Catholic, got $100 for Chanukah. Woohoo, the festival of lights! I made him an adorable Chanukah themed thank you card and called my mom and my aunt about my earnings. I wonder what made him think, This is the year I include The Millz in the Chanukah bounty. It only took five Chanukahs. My aunt said, I want to be his daughter in law! And I reminded her, You don’t even have to be, just put in a solid six years. It was so sweet of him I actually squealed when I saw the check. My heart grew a little bigger, not because of the money but because of the gesture.

It looks really good in person, I swear

The Millionizer is off to eat a late dinner and watch an episode of How I Met Your Mother

I am recovering from what I call a ULP weekend. Or an Ultra Low Productivity weekend. I didn’t even get properly dressed or leave the house until Sunday night. Even then I wasn’t wearing any underwear and it was only to get ice cream. The rest of the weekend I wore a long robe and a push up bra. I thought it classy.

I also found the energy to accomplish: eating at the same taqueria two nights in a row, watching An Evening with Kevin Smith, watching like 14 episodes of How I met your Mother, drinking a bottle of Tuscan Moon, and letting the neighbors hear us have sex.

I don’t know how I got to like How I met your Mother, by all standards I should hate it. It’s on CBS, (the network that not only greenlighted everybody loves raymond but somehow kept it ubiquitous in US culture for like half of my life), it seems quite formulaic on the surface and it’s got that annoying girl from buffy the vampire slayer (the one who manages to be more annoying that marble mouthed buffy herself, you know, the lesbian).

But it’s also got ‘mo Doogie Howser portraying a womanizer and Jason Segel from Freaks and Geeks (and various other Judd Apatow joints). Jason Segel makes this show. Dude, the boy who sang Lady L. can make anything. He can make my day, if you catch my drift. Just kidding! He’s large and imposing and I’m 3 inches away from legally requiring a booster seat to drive. That would be awkward. And I feel like my face would be covered in his chest and/or stomach sweat. Ew, I fucking hate sweat. Especially other peoples sweat, that’s why I don’t go to concerts anymore.

I’m not actually 3 inches away from legally requiring a booster seat to drive, I’m closer to 4 inches away. At least in the state of California. Mattman has a girlfriend who is way shorter than I am, and I don’t know if she’s even allowed to have a license. She’s the only full grown adult I’ve met who is significantly shorter than I am.

Um, so I got a betta fish and put him in a vase with Peace Lillies on top, it’s like those cool things you see at the fair or Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters. But I made it myself. Because I’m DIY or die like that. I named him Monkey Busker. You have to say it in a cheesy British accent like moonkeh buskah. I always think Monkey’s dead so I gently move his bowl and then he freaks out and then I feel bad for disturbing him. It’s a vicious cycle. The pet store also sold female bettas and for like half a second I considered buying one and breading betta fish. Beautiful, colorful, flowing bettas. Then I was like, whoa, and walked away.

The Millionizer is your marrow and your ride…home

aww look at that freakishly large man being so adorable

[tags]Judd Apatow, Jason Segel, How I met your Mother, Kevin Smith, betta fish, farm[/tags]