1. I drank on the job today and I am a better person for it. I figure I only have so long that I can still fuck around like a teenager because hopefully one day soon I will have a career and not a job. A career that I will actually want to keep and drinking on the career just doesn’t sound right.

Once upon a time I used to work at the KOA in San Diego. I’m not going to link because it’s a family run business and that family is friends with my mom and what I am about to type is questionable at best. I worked there for like 2.5 years in high school. And they sold alcohol. And we were the cashiers. By we I mean other 15 and 16 year olds. We worked the late shift and there was a rec room and cabins to pass out in and a dark dirt lot to do donuts in. All in all the KOA was a great experience. Big Mike still thinks I lost a bet and I have to flash him. I dunno, I was pretty drunk those summers.

Once, we had a hotel party and I got so drunk off Smirnoff Ice I threw up. Now that I’m a seasoned drinker I’m fairly certain it was the sugar and not the alcohol that had X holding my hair back. X was dating this guy who was so fucking shady it was comical. I have two very clear memories of him. One: He picked us up after work and may or may not have been under the influence of something. When he got in his car he crouched over the wheel and sneered, “Must avoid Johnny Law!” It’s still funny today. Two: He took me and X to a friends house. That friend was a drug dealer. Not like Tommy Bahama, “Hey, I have some extra weed you can buy off me.” No, like movie drug dealer that will kick your ass and make a profit. X and her boy disappeared and I was left making small talk with said drug dealer. I pretended to be all casual like, “Yeah, I’m totally OK with drugs and shadiness and talk of avoiding police busts. I know! Those fucking 5-0!” While I was pretending to be comfortable with someone who so desperately needed to be punished by law enforcement, I went to poor myself a drink and, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE IS A GUN IN THE REFRIGERATOR. I made my cocktail and silently pleaded for X to come back. I sat down and watched porn on the giant flat screen like I was watching MTV. Finally, he muted it when his cell phone rang. It was fucking surreal. But not as surreal as when he got up to get the door and left me staring at a shot gun leaning up against the wall next to his chair. I called Lassie and begged her to pick me up. She did, and that was the only time I have been grateful for knowing her.

Don’t ask me why I thought it was a good idea to get drunk while in the presence of the sultan of shady. In my defense, it’s a survival mechanism that works for me to this day.

Ummm… Oh yeah, drinking while working makes working not so lame.

2. Conversation between Sir Chinko and I:

TM: So I am an alumna? And you are an alumnus?

SC: Yes, and together we are alumni.

3. My mom got her puppy on Friday! Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray!

Sorry about the super shitty picture, obviously I didn’t take it.

Ok pholks, it’s time I sober up and get ready for class.

The Millionizer wears her safety vest and reminds you, Safety First!