Child Saver

How I saved a child from certain pedophilia. Remember when I worked with Student and those other crazy characters? Remember the crazy mom, this one, the one who pushed me? Ok, her daughter is fucked. She’s got severe autism and some crazy ass behavioral disorder that makes her movie scary. Beyond her disability there is something wrong with this girl on a spiritual level. She refused to wear underwear and keeping her pants on is like dealing with North Korea. Her mom tried to compromise and send her to school in a skirt. That lasted all of 35 minutes because no underwear wearing devil child would spread her legs and insert items INTO HER VAGINA. Mostly her own fingers but holy shit right? She would tell her aide that she was going to break into her house and kill her dog, she had already killed her own dog. Her voice is like someone trying to breathe in while their throat is swelling shut. Audio producers would love the secret so they could use it in Saw18. She looks like a small, freckled Frodo, same haircut but less shaggy.

Back when I was sick a couple weeks ago, I was studying for a chemistry test. I was wearing jeans with the button undone because any pressure on my stomach was so painful I couldn’t breathe. I hear a knock on my neighbors door, I hear them talking and the whole while, the person is jiggling my doorknob. I’m like FUCK can’t she control her guests? But my neighbor goes back in and the assault on my door continues in earnest. I decide to ignore it until they stop because I am sick, studying and too short to see out the peephole. It doesn’t stop, so I get the stool from the bathroom to assess the situation and tell whoever it is to shut the fuck up. I look out and all I can see is some small, boyish child flailing about maniacally on and around my door. I swing it open angrily and freeze. She looks at me and stops, her big eyes look up at me and her small, spindly arm raises to point a finger as she squeaks, “Yooooou…” the way death might greet you if it were a small, evil child.

“What are you doing here, Michelle?” I said in a tone used for exorcisms. She began to flail again, I was reminded that she was just a 76 lb retarded child and the tension eased.

“I’m here to see your house.” Eep!

“No Michelle, is your mom with you?”

Her eyes got big for emphasis. “No, she’s dead and I ran away,” as she freakily breathes in with each word. Then she put her hand down her pants and laughed with her head thrown back.

I tell her to go home and close the door. I called TBU and told him what happened. He paused for a second and said, “Shouldn’t you go check on her or call he police or something?” Uh, probably. Now, in my defense I was seriously sick at the time and I was trying to concentrate on my chemistry test that was 4 hours away and more importantly, she is fucking scary.

So I go back out and find her throwing her body against another neighbors door with her pants around her ankles and, of course, no underwear. I grab her hand and pull her pants up hoping no one sees me. She wiggles away and her pants shimmy down her legs as she screams in the parking lot, jumping and waving her twig arms. I lumber behind her, pinning her arms to her sides with one arm as the other pulls her pants back up, really, really hoping no one sees me. She screams and rants nonsensically as she thrusts her butt into my stomach. Itispainful.

I forced her into my car and she thrashed against the seatbelt, yelling at her dead mom. I am close to tears from the pain. Her house is only two blocks from mine and as I turn the corner to her street, it is blocked off by half of the Santa Cruz police department. I roll up, get out and scream, “I have her!” Her mom ran over and PUSHED me AGAIN! and opened my passenger door. An officer looks at my stomach and I look down to see my unbuttoned jeans. He asked me how I know Michelle and how I know where she lives. I answer and he nods, satisfied.

Meanwhile, mom hasn’t gotten crazy child out of my car. She’s just yelling at her and asking where she went. I wait patiently for a few minutes but goddammit I need to study and writhe in pain before my test. Finally I mention that I have to go and mom whips her head around and gives me an evil eye. How dare I interrupt her futile investigation of her devil seed. She yanks Michelle out and glares at me. I start walking to the drivers side, the officers thank me and tell me to have a good day. Mom? Well mom is a crazy ass motherfucker and doesn’t say a word to me. She’s probably pissed I brought her back. No ‘Thank you’ just sighs and huffs. Of course her daughter is the way she is, I think mom is just yet to be diagnosed.

I don’t think Michelle knows where I live, I think she just started meandering around and I happened to be in the radius of her flail. Thank god.

And that is how I saved a small child from the clutches of a pedophile. I mean, I assume she would have encountered some kook eventually, who would interpret her hate of clothing as a sign from the pedo god.

PS One more thing about crazy mom. She told me that she was the landscape architect for a super posh restaurant in town with absolutely beautiful landscaping. I was impressed. For like a second. Teebs and I went there for his work’s Christmas party and I asked the maître d’ who the landscape architect was. You know, out of curiosity. He told me, and it was not crazy mom.