Miserable

I’ve been off in the real world where fevers and headaches abound. Yesterday was probably like one of my top 10 worst days ever. I’d had a migraine for five days. I wish I had known this when I scheduled my appointment 2 months ago, that these two monstrosities would converge on a single day and ruin me.

I called my vadge vag doctor for some unbaby-makers but I was unhappy to find out that I would have to come in for an appointment because blah blah blah.

I got to my appointment miserable, walked in miserable, sat down miserable and tried to ignore babies miserable. I was taken back and given an examination gown. But wait?! Why do I need a gown, I just need birth control! The internet school medical assistant said the doctor was just going to examine me quickly. In all my pain and mental fogginess I accepted this as an explanation that held any sort of meaning. I put on the gown and waited for 45 minutes, miserable, before the doctor came in.

She finally entered, shit was shot and, Oh my god, how am I getting a pap smear?! I just want birth control. You can feel my ovaries better through a rectal exam?! The whole time I couldn’t help but equate the situation to a rape of sorts. She wanted to see my hooha so she could bill insurance for the honor, even though I am not due for another 4 months. She probably doesn’t get the clams for a hi, how are you here’s some birth control visit. See what I did there, with clams?

Seriously though. No, seeeeeriously though. Just imagine what it was like. I was nursing a five day old migraine, then got mind warped into stirrups and the icing on the clam cake was the surprise rectal exam.

I called Mama Millionizer at work and the whole story was just too pathetic for her not to laugh. She laughed so hard she had to hang up.

Before the doctor left, she hugged me (bah!) and handed me half a Kleenex box to clean up with. The back of my head pulsed as I wiped off gobs of goo and could not think of anything more dehumanizing.