This laundry needs some air

TBU has accused me of only writing of things that suck. Like the time I made a stink about how annoying it was to be a vegetarian at his mom’s wedding, I only briefly mentioned the awesomeness of that weekend. I can’t disagree entirely, but that’s just how I do. In the end this website is by me, for me. Selfish? Not really, I pay for the fucking thing. Writing about things that bother me is my way of dealing with them. It helps the reel of events stop playing in continuous shuffle mode in my brain. It helps the teeth grinding stop, and it helps me see straight. Rest assured, a lot of my trip to Canada was great, but one certain aspect of it really blew. And not in the good way.

Like all of us, (some of us?), TBU partook in the great cousincest experiment of the late 80’s/early 90’s. You’re little and your parents could give a shit who sees who naked because you’re family and certainly too young to notice any bodily differences. But you do and it is fascinating. One of my cousins was obsessed with watching me pee because I sat down. So every time I went, he did too. Afterwards, he would ask questions like, “Why does it come out the back?” Eventually, we touched each other in a vaguely sexual way. It was really my first experience. After a while it just stopped. You know, cuz people grow out of things.

Well Mr. TBU apparently didn’t get that memo. I met hmmmmm, let’s call her Jenna, in Canada. She’s a nice enough person. My problem is not with her (or even her skin although it can be described as corn poop with concealer) it is with TBU.

At first, it was just a fleeting thought. Is he flirting with her? Whoa, Millz you’re being weird. Then it happened again and then at one point it was just undeniable. That was day 2 out of an 11 day trip. It was a bunch of little things. Making sure she was warm, carrying her load of beer bottles while I carried my own, freaking out because his brother left her alone with drunkle (when if it was me it wouldn’t have mattered), little hugs here and there, walking her the 20 ft back because he wanted to make sure “she got there safe,” etc. etc. etc. Those little things guys do when they try really, really hard to bang you. That coupled with the fact that he could just not stop talking about her. He was like 16 again. I sat back and watched, bewildered, pissed, hurt and ready to leave him.

There was no way to bring it up, not while it was all happening. His whole family was there. They all own cottages around a lake. We stayed with his mom, whose cottage has walls that aren’t more than an inch thick or entirely connected to the cieling. And having that kind of fight was out of the question. Meanwhile, I made sure my time wasn’t wasted, by talking to everyone, drinking, popping pills and generally having an, otherwise, good time.

Finally, we were in Ottawa, in our own hotel room and I mentioned it. As soon as we got there he wanted to call Jenna. He immediately wanted to go to the bar she works at even though she wasn’t going to be there until 10:30. Enough was enough and lucky for him we were alone. Of course he denied it. He wanted examples. How can you give examples for something like that? And he knew anything I said would have sounded silly. “You ignored me.” “You keep talking about her.” “You want to hang out with her too much.” “You’re flirting with her.” They all sound stupid and baseless and I knew it but I didn’t care. His defense was that he doesn’t get to see his family very often. If that were true then he would want to hang out with all his cousins who live in Ottawa not just the one he diddled when he was 11.

He accused me of being jealous and needing too much attention. The asshole go-to comment for boys who don’t want to accept responsibility for their actions. The only part that hurt was the implication that there was something I should be jealous of. She looks exactly like her brother, who TBU himself described as, “ugly and duuuuuh.” She has cankles the size of Kerri Strugs cast and is blistery red from all the drinking and tanning. When I giggled after he said that, it was genuine. If I were jealous I don’t think I would have hung out with her all day in my bathing suit. After I saw everyones cankles and cellulite I was like, fuck these pants, my legs may be thick but they’re smooth with identifiable ankles. If I were jealous I probably wouldn’t have talked to her, hung out with her or gotten to know her. Boys, if you’re going to accuse your girl of being jealous make sure she is, otherwise it makes you look guilty and stupid.

I stared at him and told him that I knew exactly what he was doing and I knew he did too, whether he wanted to admit it or not and if he was going to continue his behavior we needed to break up immediately. He mumbled, “Well I can’t break up with you now.” I asked why, because if there was ever a time it was now, foreign country or not. I had money, I had a hotel room, I had a plane ticket back home and a map of the city, I would be fine. He said he didn’t want to break up and I told him his actions said otherwise and if he meant it he would have to start treating me like he meant it.

Later that night, we met everyone at the bar. TBU was boyfriendly again until he got drunk. He danced with Jenna on one of the platforms, I was invited too but I was not about to be an incest sandwich. Their dancing wasn’t particularly obscene, it was, in fact, awkward and forced but everyone was trying to have a good time and pretend it wasn’t weird to be partying with their cousins. I danced with one of TBU’s brothers and suddenly I was the object of TBU’s affection. It was like clockwork, have a good time with his brother and get some attention from TBU. Typical.

Jenna disappeared and I was still somehow coerced into an incest sandwich while cousins and brothers danced together in one pulsing cluster. Last call was announced and I made my last trip to the bathroom and whose beet red cankles do I see? Why their Jenna’s! Her brother, mom and best friend were holding her hair back and feeding her water. I got her some towels, wiped her face up and told everyone I’d see them tomorrow at the wedding. Outside TBU refused to leave because he wanted to say bye to Jenna. Literally refusing to leave the bar. His brothers are shoving him down the sidewalk while he protests. I tell him I saw her in the bathroom and she’s not coming out anytime soon. Finally his drunk ass lost motivation and the search for a cab started. Considering the last few days though, his actions at the bar were trivial.

Later that night, me, him and his two brothers are sitting around the hotel room, preparing for a late night walk and a smoke. I’m talking to one brother while the other two are across the table. I hear TBU mention how cute Jenna is and his brother laughed and said, “No she’s not. Every other girl I’ve seen has been way hotter than her.” The conversation devolved and the brother winds up saying TBU has been flirting with Jenna the whole trip. Vindication! TBU naturally became loudly defensive. I would too, if I were flirting with my cousin in front of my family and my girlfriend and then someone who has no vested interest in it called me on my actions. I looked at TBU smiled and went back to talking with the brother.

TBU was pretty drunk that night and claims not to remember much of what happened, including the conversation with his brother, but interestingly enough he was entirely pleasant to be around afterwards.

The thing is, is that I don’t think he actually wanted to fuck her but I do think he wanted her to want to fuck him. Get it? It’s the idea of being desirable. I understand that. It’s nice to feel attractive. But have some boundaries and decorum for fucks sake. To her credit Jenna was perfectly unresponsive to TBU’s actions: refusing to let him walk her home or carry much of anything for her and making sure she wasn’t alone with him so as to avoid anything seeming uncouth. If I was in her position I might even be upset for being put in that position. How stupid does he think people are? It was an insult all around.

The good stuff to come later.