I was at Ross returning a dress that I absolutely loved until I realized it had a pen mark and a tear at the seam. Typical Ross. Anyway, I saw my Spanish professor, from college, wandering around looking confused. He is originally from Spain and and speaks little to no English so it always made me a little sad that he was alone in a foreign land, single and could only speak to his fellow Spanish faculty. He’s sweet and funny and taught us how to say ‘joint,’ a word which of course I’ve since forgotten. I was in his classes for two full years and got to know him better than any of my other professors. I wanted to say “Hi,” thinking maybe it would brighten up his day a bit and make him feel a little less lost. But I didn’t want him to know how bad my Spanish has become. So I snuck in line and avoided his gaze.

I kept watching him, promising myself that I would say hi if he was still here when I was done. Suddenly he smiled and started to walk over. I was nervous he spotted me. I noticed his eyes twinkling, his goofy smile and his grayed curly hair bouncing with each step. He looked genuinely excited to see me and I didn’t want to disappoint him. I smiled and he stretched his arms out, his smile softened but his eyes still gleamed. He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the older lady in front of me with dark hair pulled high in a cheerful ponytail. She was just finished, Alfaro took her bag for her and they walked out the door, his arm around her waist and her head on his shoulder. And it made me happy.

Um I just watched this video no less than two times in the last 10 minutes. I really, really want someone else to watch it. I’m pretty late to the game so maybe you’ve already seen it and can answer a couple questions. The first one being, What. The. Hell? And second, is that for real? I can’t decide. For one thing, the production value is pretty high. There are fades and obvious attention was paid to lighting, especially blue lighting. But on the other hand it’s a song about smelling a dick. It’s more like something Andy Samberg came up with, except he wishes. What I love is the complete earnestness with which the chick asks to smell the dude’s dick. She may as well be asking if he had a good day at work or if his hospitalized grandmother is doing any better. The lady traipsing around her house in a corset and frilly underwear needs to back the fuck up. That’s MY outfit.

I am intrigued by the fact that the “stripper ho named Diamond” is portrayed as excessively white. She’s all long, straight, blond hair and lots of white, white skin. Clearly, a song titled, “Smell yo’ dick” warrants a full scholarly exploration of race and film.

One last note before I smell yo dick. I didn’t expect the dude who is simultaneously grindin’ creepin’ cheatin’ shinin’ and trippin’ to get to tell his side of the story. Apparently he was wildin’ but he wasn’t clownin’ so our heroine, Riskay, just needs to chill out. Because really? He may break bread with a couple strippers but that doesn’t mean she can pull his zipper. I mean if that doesn’t scream total devotion, I don’t know what does.

So please, watch it. Let’s get to the bottom of this, readers. Leave your commentary in the commentary receptacle.

UPDATE: Holy crap, I just googled smell yo dick commentary because I was genuinely interested in any possible commentary on the song, and guess what came up? Yeah, The Millionizer, that’s what. Google works fast, yo.

You know what I have to do today that cannot be put off any longer? Laundry! We’re at the point of no return. I’m wearing glorified jammies around town today. Either I buy new clothes or do some laundry. I can only afford the latter.

***

So I should be hearing from UCSF any day now, last year’s applicants heard around December 20th. It probably won’t come before I leave for San Diego on Sunday, therefore TBU will be in charge of obsessing over the contents of the metal box on the street. Hopefully it won’t be too cold for him. I am (trying so hard to be) confident he’ll read my Christmas present over the phone. But seriously? The waiting is forcing me off the edge. I have a final in physiology this Thursday, but since I figured out I could get 0% on the thing and still get a B+ I have at about -22 motivational points. I am trying to psyche myself up to at least get 50% so I can be guaranteed an A. We’ll see. I’ve had a gnawing headache since yesterday and I don’t expect it to go away any time soon. I am either going to be unable to eat or will eat uncontrollably until the letter arrives.

***

I found a new blog to read, it wasn’t very interesting. I stumbled upon it just as she was blogging the birth of her child. It was fairly funny so I checked out her archives and noticed the man she was in love with at the start of the blog was not the same as the man who is the father of her newborn. In the interest of procrastination and my inherent nosiness, I read on. You know what happens when you blog about a boring blog? Your blog is boring.

***

I’ll give you a taste of my mom’s Thanksgiving visit. She was massaging my neck and kept telling me to RELAX! I was as relaxed as I could get given the circumstances. Finally, my muscles softened and I felt really relaxed. And then she said, “You should sit up straight so your boobs aren’t at your waist.” As she said this she touched my waist and boobs with the edge of her hand to illustrate her point.

The Millionizer is not joking

PS Can we all just have really positive thoughts about me and a little piece of paper determining my life’s direction and validating all the work I have done over the past year and a half? Please? Just send them all over here. And I gladly accept prayers of any denomination. Thank you.