So yeah, I’ve been having a pretty hard time. Aki was our special man and he got hit by a car and his last moments were spent with others. Oh god, “others” sounds so dirty and mean, like xenophobic. But gaw who fucking hit our cat and left him bleeding there for people to find him who knows how long after? It’s weird, knowing myself and my inherent asshole-ness I figured I wouldn’t be able to look at any of my neighbors without assuming it was them and their car who smashed into his face and kept going. But really I say hi and smile like normal. For my own sanity I assume whoever did it didn’t know and that it was a complete accident. Because that’s all I can handle right now.

But I spent the first week praying for rain to wash away the blood stain in the driveway. I imagined the first tepid drops of rain loosening the stain. Then the water would come with conviction and beat it out of the asphalt and finally the biggest drops and the wind would wash it all away. We finally got rain last week, after beautiful days, days Aki would have loved to spend outside. Days that would have been hard to get him to come in and eat something.

I’ve only walked down the driveway once since it happened and the whole time I was gripping a mug of tea and hyperventilating. Every time I drive in I stare at the sky and get a heavy feeling in my chest. It’s really hard when every time you leave or come home you know you are passing over the exact spot where someone you love died in a horrifically painful way. Ugh.