I’d like to say this will be the last time I talk about this but who knows? sometimes shit comes up.

So Canadian gossip, your favorite kind of gossip!

I don’t know where to start, it was simultaneously all encompassing and totally insignificant. I guess I’ll start by saying TBU has a crush on one of his cousins, he knows I know this and denies it. Maybe crush is too far, it’s more of a need for her to like him. A strong need. As evidenced by him declaring that he is her favorite cousin, to which each and every time she responded with laughter. She never agreed or reciprocated. Really TBU, get a clue.

He wasn’t really flirtatious with her, that I saw anyway, but he did leave me to stay up all night with her. He got upset with me because I was upset with him for leaving me in the cabin while he stayed out with her until 5am. I was like what. the. fuck. soon to be married man? He said that I was ruining his relationship with his family because he was acting different because of me. His relationship with everyone else was exactly as healthy as he left it, I assure you. It was her he was referring to. Long term committed relationships don’t have to mean not having any fun, but there are also people’s feelings involved in those relationships that should be respected. For example, now that we live in San Diego, Savage wants to go surfing with me. Savage and I are completely platonic friends. But if I were to go surfing with Savage I know that it might make TBU not jealous, but uncomfortable. In a way that can’t really be articulated. There is no word for it that I know. We both know that we love each other and that we would never cheat on each other, so that’s not the issue. The issue is simply respect of the other’s feelings and not wanting to do anything that would hurt the other, even if both parties understand that nothing happened. I imagine that TBU knowing that my and Savage’s wet bodies would touch while in the water would bother him. I suspect that TBU would not want Savage to put his arms around me as I fell, because I will fall, or that he would want us to spend our day frolicking on the beach. Not because he doesn’t trust me but because he would feel left out, or something. It just wouldn’t make him feel good. So thus far I have declined the offer, because I want TBU to be secure in the fact that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him, even if it was completely innocent.

TBU doesn’t see his actions in the same way. I don’t know exactly how he sees it but it seems to me that he is always trying to prove a point. Like, “I can get away with this and you shouldn’t be bothered because I say so.” Well I am. When I called him on the whole 5am thing he told me that he was “holding back” so I wouldn’t get jealous. OH WELL. EXCUUUUUUSE ME. I’m sorry you have to hold back from flirting with people in my presence. I am only your fiance after all, don’t let me stop you.

Like when he was ignoring me for some reason (I forget why, it’s hard to keep track of this shit) I started to play horseshoes with his cousins. He really can’t stand it if I have fun without him when he’s trying to make me feel bad. Two girls were swimming and he saw his chance. On his way into the lake he yelled, “Your bathing suit is in the cabin if you want to come in.” Now what do you think the intention behind that remark was? It certainly wasn’t to invite me to swim with him. Because I know where my swimsuit is and I know that you know I know where it is, thankyouverymuch. Plus I’m in the middle of a game. No, he said that so I would know he was going swimming with two girls without me. For some reason he thinks he’s so sly. Is this a TBU thing? I can’t imagine all men who are on the brink of turning 29 are this way.

Whenever I call him on any of this he doesn’t see his actions as a problem, he claims I’m jealous. It isn’t jealousy, but him calling me jealous implies that he thinks there is something I should be jealous of, which instantly puts a shade of suspicion on his actions. I can see why he wants me to be jealous though. Because it’s easy and petty and it releases him from being responsible for his actions. It’s something that makes me the issue instead of him. God forbid he be the issue, then he would have to you know, actually change. In fact, it’s really hard to make me jealous. I guess the only thing I’m ever jealous of is people who are with partners who don’t do this shit.

I know in the last post I said that this cousin girl, Jenna I think I called her, wasn’t the issue and really she’s not. But a lesser issue, aside from TBU acting like a teenager, is that I just don’t like her. And even if TBU didn’t have this whole thing for her, I still wouldn’t like her. She has the exact qualities of this girl who used to be my best friend in elementary school, by high school we were still acquaintances but I had to stop all communication with her because she was so obnoxious.

When I first met Jenna, I saw the similarities but I had no evidence so I went against my gut. Note to self: never go against your gut. She’s one of those people who inexplicably attracts attention at all times. She makes people feel like they are important to her when she wants something but doesn’t reciprocate the friendship. People continue to think she’s the best even though they’re lamenting all the shit she does, how she manipulates them. Evidence, she told one of her cousins that she would give them a bunch of furniture for their new house but that they needed to give her a ride home from the cabin. On the day they were supposed to leave Jenna decided she wanted to sit around and drink martinis for several hours before she would leave. So there was her cousin not being able to drink at happy hour, waiting and waiting, so she could give Jenna a ride, so Jenna would give her some furniture. The whole time the cousin just talked shit about Jenna but wouldn’t leave her there because, well I don’t know why. I guess I’ve grown out of caring if I’m popular, I would’ve left when I felt like it. But this girl is one of those people who manages to convince others that she’s worth their time. When Jenna decided she was drunk enough, she said it was time to go, not the person who was the unwilling designated driver.

So I think that’s what bothers me even more about TBU’s need for this girl to like him. That he’s vying so hard for someone’s attention that in his ordinary life he would laugh at. We would laugh, roll our eyes and stay far away. But for some reason he doesn’t see all this. He thinks they’re close, when it’s obvious to me that she makes everyone feel that way. I guarantee you she doesn’t share the feeling, he’s just someone she sees once a year who she likes to drink with. But really, who doesn’t this girl like to drink with?

I know no relationship is perfect and aside from all this nonsense, life with TBU is pretty fucking awesome. I don’t know what goes on in his mind. There’s some kind of divide, something he’s working out in his head. I don’t know. Does anyone else experience something like this in their relationships? Anyone, anyone?

The Millionizer is gonna go take some pills to not have babies and then some pills to relax

Hoo! What a month and a half. Should I list it all or just make a mess of things like normal? You’re right, the latter is preferable.

Now we live in San Diego. Just like poof! TBU got a great job offer and I should be starting my nursing program in SD in a few months so we gave our thirty days and left our bucolic hamlet by the sea. It has been a rough start. A rough fucking start. I don’t have a job and I’ve been searching (heartily) since July 20. I’ve said my name so many times and shaken so many hands it’s been exhausting. In fact, I don’t know if I can even write complete sentences that aren’t detailing my work history and trying to get you to hire me to do some sort of paid work. But we’ll see.

We moved into a place sight unseen and for the first night it seemed ok, but that was probably just paint fume induced euphoria. Since then it’s been like we live in an airport smoking room. It’s hot hot hot but we can’t open the doors or windows because all of our neighbors like to support tobacco companies with what seems like all their time and money. So we’ve been living in a green house with fans and air purifiers running at all times. The plants are doing really well actually. We found a new place that we move into at the end of next week. I’ll try to make it.

But you knoooooow, the move isn’t really the biggest news. Well considering how long TBU and I have been together, I guess it is. When we were in Tahoe for the 4th of July weekend TBU proposed. I yelled, “Right now!?” and smacked him. Then he asked me again and I said yes. It was really quite sweet. We were at his family’s cabin, eating dinner on the deck watching the fireworks. My love of fireworks is well documented. We talked about what he should be called now that he is my fiancee and will soon be my husband. I argued that he should remain TBU for blogging’s sake. He positioned for THC – The Husband Companion. Then I checked his ID, just to make sure he wasn’t 16.

Also, TBU’s Canadian grandfather died in the midst of all this and we just got back from Canada a couple days ago. Remember last year’s trip? I don’t know if I feel like going into related details of this year’s trip. I guess I could, but I don’t want to give too much energy to it. Mostly, it was a lovely trip, save for TBU threatening to call off the wedding because of my vegetarianism (believe me it was so unrelated it was comical). There were a few bumps in the road, but really, nothing less could be expected from us. Everytime shit like this goes down I only wind up being obviously right, so I am never too bothered. I’ll save the gossip for another post.

The service was beautiful, TBU did a great job getting up in front of everyone and telling a story about his grandpa. And when the glee club sang “It’s a Wonderful World” I totally lost it. Good thing I was wearing liquid eyeliner and waterproof mascara.

I got my first ringer in horseshoes, everyone cheered. Except TBU because he was off trying to make me jealous. Ha! I can’t even stop myself. It’s true though, I got a ringer, I was very excited, people cheered but TBU wasn’t one of them. There, simple.

What else? Well our engagement was big news in Canadia, even though two other cousins just got engaged. The fact that ours is taking place in Southern California really seemed to enthrall people, that and the theme. Whatever works, we got our first present! $100 Canadian, so like $95. But no, it was really Canadian because we spent it all on booze while we were there. It was really sweet and touching and totally unexpected. Plus, my ring far overshadowed everyone else’s so HUZZAH!

During all these crises I’ve feebly attempted to plan a wedding. It has been slow going but we have our venue, our caterer and our theme. Guesses? Guesses? Next time.

The Millionizer calls shotgun but acquiesces that you may play your R&B tunes