The Millionizer

I made these lovely ladies for TBU’s bachelor party. The boys thought it was so good they were convinced they were being drugged.

Have I titled a post that before? I feel like I have but I’m not going to do anything about it but mention it’s possibility here. I’ve been wanting, trying, needing to blog for quite a while now. I’m sure you all missed me. I am just so sure of it.

I’ve been otherwise indisposed with working a real job with all day real job hours and planning a fucking wedding. I don’t want to discount all the help I am getting from amazing family and friends but I’m basically putting this thing together by myself. No real complaints though because I like the control. But still, there are so many goram details. Like, just how are the tables names going to be displayed in the centerpiece. Huh, just how? I don’t know the answer to that. It is almost 4am and I have been up all night cutting paper for place cards and table names, writing the program and general fretting. I don’t have a lot of non-wedding things going on in my head so I am going to post the program details I have written so far. The only person you won’t recognize is my cousin Becky. Without further ado, the Millionizer, TBU wedding program as just written by me a few moments ago. Can I get some feedback? Like tell me if it is just too much or if you would enjoy reading a program like this.

The Whos, Hows and Whys

First off, right before we thank you for coming, we have some bad news – we aren’t doing “The Lift”. I know, I know, totally sacreligious but I think we can all have a good time despite that. OK now, thank you so much for coming! We are excited and touched that so many of you chose to spend your holiday weekend with us.

The Whos

TBU – AKA “The Groom” is a handsome, loving and all around adorable human. He has a degree in Film and Digital Media from UC Santa Cruz. Currently, he works at Blankity Blank as a Blank Blank. He is the owner of one overly rambunctious orange cat who is still learning his manners. When he’s not in the middle of getting married, TBU likes to play video games, take pictures and cook amazing meals.

The Millionizer – AKA “The Bride” is a sweet and charming human who is shorter than most people she meets. She also has a degree in Film and Digital Media from UC Santa Cruz. Currently, she works at an organization for children with Autism as their general admin extraordinare and media guru assistant. She is currently awaiting the arrival of many acceptance letters to nursing school.

Sir Chinko – AKA “The Officiant” And yes he really requires both names. Sir Chinko and The Millionizer have been great friends since high school where they first met on the swim team and The Millionizer pretty much gave him no choice but to be her friend. Their friendship was solidified in third period Environmental Science where the teacher gave up trying to silence them. Sir Chinko welcomed TBU into the fray with open arms and the three of them have had countless misadventures in Berkeley, San Francisco and Santa Cruz. Basically, the Bay Area goes on alert when these three congregate.

Ms. A – AKA “The Maid of Honor” has been the best of friends with The Millionizer since um…first grade? These two go way back. They were in Girl Scouts together where lessons were learned and badges were earned. In fact, they both dressed as Girl Scouts for Halloween this year – in their original uniforms. That, my friends, is fact. Ms. A threw the most amazing bachelorette party, The Millionizer is still recovering from it. No really, those heels were high. In summary, Ms. A is the most thoughtful and amazingest friend possible and The Millionizer wouldn’t know what to do without her.

Becky – AKA “Bridesmaid and Unpaid Wedding Planner” is The Millionizer’s cousin. End of story. Just kidding! When these two were younger, cuter and naturally blonder everyone thought they were twins. They were wrong, but these two milked it for free sodas at the American Legion and attention from the public at large. Becky set up those lovely room rates at the hotel for us all to enjoy. So get her a drink if you’re feeling generous. She’s currently a head honcho at Hotel X, but that’s just what she does to pay the bills while she slowly takes over the world with her English Bulldog Nellie.

X – AKA “Bridesmaid and Wedding Mascot” has been friends with The Millionizer since the Summer of 2000, when they both worked at the San Diego KOA. That summer, and seasons since then have consisted of some of the most painful, can’t catch your breath, it hurts to breathe laughter The Millionizer has ever experienced. X is a fabulous hostess who likes to pretend it’s always the early 1960’s.  Let it be known that X has an English degree from UC Berkeley and graduated with Honors. She is probably reading this right now and finding mistakes that none of us ever knew existed. Such is the life of the current Blank Assets manager for Mystery College of Mysteriousness in San Francisco. She is here today with her partner in crime, Snake, who would probably rather be talking about football, so do the guy a favor.

And that is all I have so far. I’m going to make TBU do the whos for his boys, cuz I don’t have much to write about them. I can talk about how is brothers annoy me but that would probably be less than appreciated. I’ll take care of the Hows and Whys tomorrow. Now that the sun’s about to come up it’s about time for bed, I’m nocturnal like that.

The Millionizer is getting married in one week from TODAY. This is not a drill, people.