It’s been so long I actually had to re-enter my password to sign into wordpress and Safari had to the nerve to ask me if I wanted it to remember my info. Yes! I want you to remember my info, this is THEEE MILLIONIZER trying to log into themillionizer motherfucking dot com got dammit!

I am a changed woman. I have no judgement, I only have outwardly grace and compassion. That’s what they teach you in nursing school.

I have no room to judge anyone after I’ve wiped shit off people laying in their death bed, after I’ve disinfected the diarrhea bathroom floor, after I’ve elevated and iced the scrotum of a 90 year old man, after I’ve changed adult diapers, after I’ve carried urine, measured poop, held the bucket while a recovering drug addict super cholo vomits uncontrollably, after I’ve had family members turn to me for answers. It’s been quite the semester.

On the plus side, who am I kidding, I can judge all I want but I know all our shit looks the same. And let me tell you something about nursing students and nurses in general. Ho. Lee. Shit. They like their drink. I knew I chose the right profession. This is what studying was like:

Typical Day:

8am-12pm: study

12pm sharp to whenever: cocktails

December 17, our last day of finals:

6-9am study

9am – leave for campus

10-12: actually take final

12pm- 4pm: lunch and beers at the Station

4pm: wear out our welcome at the Station walk to Hamiltons

4:10-7pm: beers at Hamiltons

7-9: sober up/nap

915: drinks and dinner downtown

10pm: drinks somewhere in the Gaslamp

12-2am: beer at some crazy Irish blues bar (is that even a thing?) catering to the over 50 crowd. Have the most hilarious time of the whole night here.

I may or may not be changed but I am certainly wiser for the wear. Also, I’m not afraid of giving shots anymore. I could do it with a drink in my hand while having a conversation. Line em up, I’ll take em down!

I really should write more about school, it’s fascinating. I will ensure you now though, that I love it. Have no fear.

****

I’m pretty sure one of my cats got really high last night. When the other one started his midnight rodeo I shouted, “TBU! TBU! Get that one high too! We might be able to have a peaceful night!” It was considered but not acted upon.

****

I’ve been away for quite a sometime and while I can’t blame it entirely on Kings of Leon, their new album certainly didn’t help. The shit show started with the awful, awful, racist, completely unbelievable video for Radioactive. I mean it warrants a commentary similar to the one I begged for re: Smell yo Dick

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPBbMbKSZrQ

Luckily, this video actually had some commentary to better articulate my icky feelings about this video. Go here for that. That article brings up just the tip of the ice berg of inarticulable feelings I have about that video. The first and foremost being that it is just cheesy shit, even if it weren’t racist, it’s still gad awful.

I can’t even tell if the rest of the album is decent because it’s all been tainted by the caca of what my eyes saw. I think I’ll skip this go round on the ferris wheel and take the next one. I don’t need a whole album about your nostalgic, idealization of southern male bravado. Yes, that’s essentially the image they’ve carved out for themselves, but this album doesn’t have the soul. Instead of being about raucous-ness and what it means to be a boy in the South with a boner and a drink, this album is about damsels in distress and pretending to be a man while preaching the virtues of Tennessee and everything that is holy below the Mason Dixon line. It just doesn’t have it, not for me at least. Maybe they’re growing up and this is the manifestation. But really it just seems like a desperate plea to convince themselves that they are still the hardcore Southern family band they think of themselves as instead of the corporate sellouts that they are.

And I’m not calling them sellouts because I hate this album, I knew what they were all about way before that, but I didn’t mind, the music was still fun to listen to even as it got progressively more polished, produced and adult contemporary radio friendly. But some line has been crossed and they need to find their way back to the other side.

How can a band go from making me sing along to shit like, “I‘d come all over your party but I’m soft*” to singing a song about some dudes pickup truck. I mean good lord, I couldn’t have predicted a more tragic let down if I let Pete Wentz write, produce and perform the whole shenanigan.

One thing can’t be denied and I’d be stupid to try, Caleb’s voice is still the beautiful bastard child of Janis Joplin and Bradley Nowell, it’s smooth as freshly swept gravel and I love it.

*I’m pretty sure that’s not the exact lyric but that’s how I sing it because I think it fits in just fine with the rest of the song. And if that isn’t what he’s saying, it’s what he should be saying.

****

Oh! Fuck KOL, I have some more news from my actual life. I got straight A’s last semester. It was a hard fight for every point, in one class I only got an A by 3 points, but I made it! Now it’s my registration appointment and I’m terribly confused by what classes I’m supposed to register for. My solution for that is just not to register at all. I’ll wait until they threaten my continued admission then ask a couple questions I guess.

****

You know that Sublime song, April 29, 1992, that shouts out all the cities in which they would like to incite a riot? This one right here

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh5ogOH82Aw

The shout outs start at 2:59. Any way, every time we pass through Fountain Valley, which is not too often but has happened with increased frequency since moving back to San Diego (also mentioned!), I start singing this song. It is like a reflex. My doctor could test the intactness of my auditory nerve and higher level cognitive functioning by mentioning Fountain Valley and measuring the time it takes me to start singing.

Finding that video has led me into the deep rabbit hole that is Sublime songs set to fan tribute videos. They are awful.

40 oz to Freedom is an amazing album. The first Sublime song I heard was Waiting for My Ruca, it was off The Mallrats soundtrack, I was 12 and I was like, OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT BASS! Booom, Boooom. I was hooked.

****

I start classes again, January 18. I am in no way prepared for the early mornings, the stress and all the poop. The poop! You guys, so much poop. Being on break has changed my schedule to waking up past by noon on an early day and not getting started on my daily routine until about 3. This a a problem when, in less than two weeks, I am going to be expected to be up and ready to monitor peoples lives by 6:30am.

The Millionizer is falling and laughing at the drinks we spilled

I’m not even going to get into why I haven’t been updating. Instead I’m going to tell you about my neighborhood. I love my neighborhood.

On Sunday night a woman was raped and beaten across the street from my house. Like right across the street. A place I’ve walked a million times before and will continue to walk – alone if need be. When I found out, I kept trying to remember what I was doing when it happened. I was watching TV. That was it. I was fucking watching TV while someone was having what I assume is going to be the worst night of their life. I wasn’t scared to find out but I was fucking pissed. I was angry I didn’t know it was happening otherwise I would have helped. Maybe I couldn’t have stopped it but I could have been a witness. As it is now, there are none.

Part of the problem is the fact that it happened behind a large tree and several really high hedges. It was dark and there was no light from a nearby street light. It would have been easy for someone walking on the other side of the street to not notice.

When the story broke yesterday I was on my way to work but I thought about pruning the tree and hedges myself when I got back home. When I drove by at 2:30 yesterday afternoon one guy had taken it upon himself to cut the foliage. When I drove by again at 4 (I drive a lot for work and it’s a small town) there was a group of people working on it. When I left for work this morning the hedges were completely eliminated and the tree looked like some kind of wonky lollipop. It was awesome.

I’ve been keeping up with the story online and when I googled it yesterday every article made sure to mention that the woman was drunk and walking alone at night. Commenters of course blamed her, even suggesting she deserved it for being so dumb. Unfortunately I expected this, but my reaction was still horror. I’m probably preaching to the choir, but alone, drunk or whatever – nothing is an invitation for rape. Get a fucking clue!

It was front page news today when she identified her attacker as Latino, well that set off a whole other shit storm. “Of course he was Latino!” Is the nicest way of summarizing how people felt about that.

You can read about it by googling “seabright rape” today’s article is here. Interestingly (or not), I took a picture of graffiti on the house two years ago. You can see it on the last picture of this post, eerily titled “It is TOO risky!” in which I call the animal the “Seabright Monster.” Fuck that’s creepy. The shadows from the trees and hedges give you an indication of how overgrown it was but that was two years ago. Up until yesterday afternoon the Seabright Monster would not have been visible from where I took the picture.

I was thinking of this woman today when I posted flyers around campus to sell my microbiology lab manual. And I was thinking about her when I met Paul out front to exchange the items. We both noticed the police tape whipping in the wind. I’m not going to get paranoid but I’m not telling my mom either.

The Millionizer would probably only injure herself if she ever used pepper spray

WARNING: porn is described and if you have images you would like to keep out of your brain I suggest skipping a certain paragraph, I’ll let you know. Because I fucking wish someone had warned me.

The absolute worst time to mention anything that I find even remotely unsettling is when I’m high. Once I ate a ganja edible and couldn’t fathom leaving the house for an improv party. In the interest of staying on topic I won’t rant about the fuckery that is an improv party. Instead, I stayed home and watched Rock of Love while TBU went and claimed my illness. I previously kinda enjoyed Rock of Love but almost had a mental breakdown while watching it. I was rocking back and forth near tears at the baseness of humanity. Every time I’m high I believe that I see through all the bullshit into society’s real intentions. And by intentions I mean evil intentions. I’ve come up with several theories while high, that I still firmly stand by, no matter how cacamamie (sp?!). Like how the government secretly funds big budget, hive like TV shows like Lost in order to coerce people into complacency that weren’t previously rounded up by lesser forms of entertainment, Everybody Loves Raymond anyone? There is a reason I had to curtail the habit.

Last Saturday night I was persuaded to partake. When I said no, everyone was all, “Noooooo, Millz you’re the best when you’re high!” “C’mon!” So like the forever 16 year old that I am, I did it. How wrong they all were.

**Start skipping**

Like two seconds after I started in with my marijuana induced babble TBU said, “Do you guys want to hear about the coolest thing I saw in a porn?” In my head I was like NOOOOO noooOOOO nOOOOOOO! But I only made a face that said you are the biggest fucking retard, why would I want to hear that right now? Apparently TBU doesn’t read faces so he proceeded to tell us about a scene where two chicks were lesbians (first off: I’m sure they were real life lesbians second: how fucking original) and they needed a place to live so some guy was all, oh you can live here but I get to fuck you guys. Just that was enough to get me SO FUCKING IRRITATED. But that wasn’t the worst part. So the dude starts doing it with one chick but then has the other chick put her mouth right next to the other girls vag so the guy could stick his dick in one hole and then the other.

**You can decide to stop skipping now**

It wasn’t so much that mental image that bothered me. I mean, I have seen a few porns in my life (I hate the word porno, I will not use it). But the image that it conjured up came to symbolize the utter disgust I had at the whole situation. So in the week that’s almost passed it’s been replaying like an unwelcomed guest in my head and every time I see it I get angry like really, really fucking angry. So angry it’s been ruining my whole week, I couldn’t listen to Adam Carolla, I couldn’t watch TV without wanting to pop a cap in “the man’s” ass.

What angered me about it was 1. The reason TBU thought it was soooo disgusting. It wasn’t because women were being exploited for whatever dick accommodating hole they possessed but because one girl got a mouthfull of a dick that had just been in another chick. Why is that the gross part? Weren’t they just lezzing out? He can’t tell me or anyone he hasn’t had a face full of vag. 2. The porn industry is by and large just fucked up. 3. I’m extremely sensitive to sexual abuse issues.

I have always instinctively seen the inner workings of things. I was the kid who wanted to go behind rides at Disneyland and see them move. I have never been able to watch any sort of media without thinking of the crew that set up the lights, what the actors were thinking as they did whatever they did on screen, how the movie got funded, how that shot was set up, how the editor thought of that crazy technique etc. etc. etc. And it’s only gotten worse since I graduated college where I delighted in learning to deconstruct the theory and essence of moving pictures. So, when I see porn now I don’t see hot sex. I mostly see sad girls with sad smiles wearing a lot of makeup, acting out past abuses and the dudes who are fucking them onscreen and behind the scenes. I see the director coming up with ridiculous postions and ordering them up. I see girls and women who are leasing their bodies for a $1200 shoot in Simi Valley and the hope of one tomorrow. I see the bruises no one bothered to cover up. I see a lot of emptiness. What I don’t see is how anyone can get off on that.

I’m totally aware of the exceptions to these rules and that’s part of my argument. Because I’m not offended by the theory of porn. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong and I fully support the freedom of sex to be a commodity by consenting adults. But just like we don’t support the idea of our shoes and clothes being made by people who’ve been stripped of their rights, why should we support the idea of women being tossed around by the porn industry? Why not support porn that puts women in a position of power? That’s not what turns you on you say? That’s fine because I don’t necessarily mean a position of power during sex. I mean a position of power in the industry that markets and sells their bodies.

Those women are out there and I thinks it’s important that they are supported. If you want porn, quality porn where the woman is actually enjoying it and her screams are of actual pleasure, find a woman who makes her own. Or find a company like Kink.com that gives the talent the right to their bodies on screen. Yes, these porn venues usually cost money. But that’s kinda good because when you give them money you make their business model viable and you encourage other similarly focused business models. That increases distribution and access. Just like we support local, sustainable agriculture, just like we support renewable energy.

I’m not going to hold my breath but wouldn’t it be fucking nice if porn was no longer the dumping ground for sexual abuse (trying to) survivors? Wouldn’t it be nice if they were kinda forced to find a more healthy outlet to work their shit out in?

TBU’s answer to this was to just not talk to me about porn anymore. I don’t think he gets my point. I’m not angry that he watches porn, I genuinely don’t care. What bothers me is him busting a nut to the exploitation of women who are in a desparate situation. True, I don’t have empirical evidence that these women were abused or are currently being abused but as long as he’s not directly supporting the production of porn where women are seen as business, creative and sexual equals he’s supporting the status quo. And that is the worst part. That is the feeling that accompanies the image I’ve been seeing all week.

The Millionizer says TBU is due for a post about his awesomeness