Last week I spent hours pouring over the whole Jezebel vs Lizz Winstead thing.

The deal is this: Moe and Tracie (aka Slut Machine) are writers/editors for Jezebel and each have their own blog. They are funny and gross and don’t really give a shit that you may not think so. They were invited to be interviewed on an episode of Shoot the Messenger, in a segment titled Thinking and Drinking, hosted by Lizz Winstead, co-creator of the Daily Show. What emerged from that interview was a mushy mess that left several people freaked out by the Jezebels comments and ready to form a lynch mob. A feminist lynch mob no less.

I don’t think the interviewees, interviewer or audience members could agree on what the show is and should have been that night. I also have a feeling Lizz Winstead and most of the audience had never actually read the works of the two writers. Or at least not enough to get a handle on the fact that if you invite them to a comedy show entitled Thinking and Drinking they might actually do that. Moe and Tracie took the drinking part to heart, which I imagine they do in their day to day lives anyway.

I watched the entirety of the interview. It started out enjoyable and when it got to the sticky icky parts I barely even noticed what people were all up in arms about. I heard Tracies comments about rape and totally got what she was saying. She was not saying rape was OK or that it is the victims fault. What she did say (imho) is that we put ourselves into situations where we feel comfortable and when we ignore those instincts bad things can happen. She wasn’t saying that she’s never been raped because she is smarter than rape victims; she said she’s never been raped because she trusts her instincts. Granted, she was drunk and it didn’t come out so coherently. But fucking christ people, are you really going to hold Drinking and Thinking interviewees to an unattainable standard of being role models, definitive feminists and coherently drunk?

Lizz Winstead has the credibility of being a co-creator of a super awesome show that makes me want to snuggle. However, she came off as shrill and condescending during this interview. Did I agree with everything Moe and Tracie said? No. But I did want to hear it because I find these women interesting. She reprimanded Moe and Tracie and sometimes didn’t even let them finish their sentences because she didn’t agree with what was spilling out of their mouths. There was a lot of tension in the room, I felt it on my side of the screen. She played to the audiences insecurity and confusion, making campy faces and basically having them join her in a big what the fuck?!

She took on the role of feminist mother guiding her young ducklings to be the right kind of feminist. The problem arose when Moe and Tracie wouldn’t grab her hand and follow. They respectfully acknowledged what previous feminists had done for them but disagreed with them on several points. Lizz seemed to forget the point of feminism! To question standard methods and practices. First wave feminism wasn’t perfect, whatever wave we are in now isn’t perfect but it is the compounding of knowledge and experiences that strives for total equality. Yes, Tracie called Gloria Steinem a dinosaur. But she was drunk! When I’m drunk and on the spot, there is no way I’m going to be able to come up with something like, “Gloria Steinem is part of the old establishment of feminism. A very basic tenet of feminism is to question establishment and improve on the traditional ways of doing things so that women can enjoy equality blah blah blah….” No, I’m probably going to call Gloria Steinem a dinosaur. Deal.

Moe gave a detailed account of her date rape and kind of blew it off in the end. Lizz totally crossed the line when she criticized the way Moe dealt with her rape.  Moe wasn’t denying the gravity of her experience but just chose not to make it a pool of pity in her life. That is something I can totally respect. After it happened, she was confused and ultimately decided not to pursue legal action because she didn’t want to deal with it. Lizz called her selfish for not protecting other women. And I kinda agree with that stance, however, Moe was 19 when this happened and admitted that if it happened now it would have been totally different. Also, it is estimated that rape goes largely unreported for a variety of reasons. Ideally it would be reported, investigated and prosecuted but that is so rarely the case. And can you really blame Moe for not wanting to go through the agonizing process of filing a rape charge? Especially after it’s been disclosed that even when a woman reports a rape and undergoes a humiliating forensic sampling procedure all her efforts may be for nothing. So really Lizz, was it so selfish? Have you never committed a selfish act against your fellow women? Because I know I have and I would be pretty fucking pissed if someone had the gall to give me shit about it in front of an audience then post a video of it on the internet prefaced by:

I feel a responsibility to hold these young women accountable for the statements they make as they seem sure to keep repeating them.

Whether there was a pre-interview or not, who ever said what before hand is not really the issue here. The issue is that the format of the show was not clear to anyone, including the host. Lizz swung wildly from making jokes about her multiple abortions (“My sister calls me Terminator 3″) to being overbearing in the face of controversial opinions (interrupting Moe and Tracie with “What the FUCK!”). Moe and Tracie seemed genuinely blindsided by the hostility coming from Lizz and the audience. After all, they were invited and promoted as the editors of Jezebel, where their opinions are widely known. Who wouldn’t be suprised with what transpired?

Many people have said that Moe and Tracie were rude to the people who paid to see them. But I think they are forgetting that people paid to see them. If I pay for a Bon Jovi concert I’m not going to be pissed when Bon Jovi walks out. I would be pissed if they tried to be Def Leppard. But that’s the thing, Tracie and Moe were not Def Leppard, they were themselves, unapologetically themselves. And isn’t that why they were invited in the first place? Certain audience members may have been appalled but that doesn’t make their points any less valid. People may disagree and not understand their brand of humor, but that doesn’t make demons out of Tracie and Moe.

They were berated during the interview, and later in forum threads, for being poor role models. I’m not going to even get into the fact that they are just doing their job, because I think everyone knows it even if they don’t want to concede that point. What bothers me most about the whole role model business is that people, including Lizz Winstead, do not give young girls enough credit. We can read a humorous essay about doing coke off a random guys boner and using the pull out method as a sole source of birth control and not do the same things ourselves. Do I think pulling out is an acceptable form of birth control? Fuck no. Do I think it’s funny when Moe says, “it’s the birth control method that feels the best?” Fuck yes. It doesn’t mean we are going to go fuck strangers in a club bathroom. Some of us may decide to do that but Moe and Tracie won’t be the catalyst. We are smart, we can decide for ourselves who to emulate, if we want to emulate someone at all. We are smart, we don’t need you to censor others for us.

Being an avid reader of mainly Tracies but definitely of Jezebel as a whole, I watched the interview and I agree it wasn’t the best forum for these two. Not because I was offended or felt they came off as stupid or whatever. But because these two are writers and being put in front of an audience with a combative host isn’t their forte. They were a few drinks deeper than they should have been but no one should have been surprised. They have admitted to stage fright and beyond that, it’s what they write about; getting drunk and fucking. Who’s the idiot for expecting something different?

I don’t think there was an apology in order. And there hasn’t been one, not from Tracie or Moe at least. But Anna posted this kind of retraction/oops/apology at Jezebel. Unfortunately, Moe and Tracy have retreated. Moe has reduced her blog to this and Tracie hasn’t updated since posting a video of Lizz Winstead drunk. Which means I haven’t had any new sex or drugs content from one hysterical writer, and that is the real tragedy in all of this.

[tags]lizz winstead, moe tkacik, tracie egan, jezebel, feminism, shoot the messenger, thinking and drinking[/tags]

My flagrant use of the word retarded has come up in a lot in the past month or so. Most recently, in correspondence with BlogHer. I was like, “Hey! How come I’m never in the headlines?” And they were like, “To be blunt it’s because you use offensive language like retarded.” Sweetpea that’s not blunt that’s just fact. Blunt would be like, no one would ever read your blog so we don’t even bother. But I appreciated the honesty.

People are often surprised to learn I work with retar cognitively impaired* people. Like you become some righteous asshole as soon as you start the job or something. I (mostly) love it but here are some adjectives that would also accurately describe my day

• frustrating
• extremely frustrating
• gross
• confusing
• irritating
• boring
• limiting
• excrutiating
• and on and on

So yeah, I need to be able to have a sense of humor about it. The funny part about me saying retarded is the fact that my clients are constantly saying it. They even call each other retarded. But not in like a mentally challenged way, they use it like we use it. I’m not really defending myself because you’re going to be offended if you’re going to be offended and I’m just going to keep on saying it. I’m just giving you some context, yeah you. You know who you are.

I’m totally in the Mimi Smartypants boat on this one. I think she said something like, “If we can’t use retarded to speak about actual retarded people can’t we use it for the rest of us?” She’s getting at the fact that it should be obvious we aren’t referring to a “special” person when we say retarded. And honestly, any euphemism is equally if not more offensive. How often have you heard someone say special, slow or simple with quotes around it?

When I called my cat retarded, it would have been rude to call her cognitively impaired or whatever the nicety of the moment is. Wouldn’t that be rude to people who are actually dealing with a disability? Not only to the person with a disability but to their family. They aren’t helping a retard they’re caring for a person with a disability. Often families spend all their time and money caring for this one person and comparing my dumb cat to that is um stupid.**  Because my cat is (probably) not cognitively impaired but she is definitely retarded.

Retarded means impeded in some way. Here are some retarded sentences

• Getting home is being retarded by all this traffic
• I’m retarding the growth of my 401(k) by buying all these drugs
• My cat just tried to run outside but was retarded by the screen

Do you see my point? Are we going to start coming up with PC ways to say fire retardant? Because that would be retarded.

Personally, I’d like to see the other blogs BlogHer isn’t linking to because of their offensive content. Not that there’s anything wrong with the ones they are linking to, I’ve just seen them all already.

*And jeez you can’t even use any of the ambiguous words you think are correct because you probably don’t even know what the persons disability is. How would you like it of you had a completely normal mind but were called cognitively impaired or mentally challenged because you used a wheelchair or had a speech impediment? Or if your disability has nothing to do with your development but people insisted on calling you developmentally delayed?

**Much like the time I was talking to this woman and accidentally compared the vet losing my cats ashes to when she went in for surgery and woke up to realize they had performed an unauthorized abortion. Do you see how ridiculous that is? We can’t allow this to continue.

[tags]retarded, working with the disabled, my cat is dumb, the dss, tact is for the unwitty[/tags]

TBU’s mom just got married in Tahoe this weekend. We had a cabin right on the beach, it was really stunning. I had a great time. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about me being a vegetarian.

The thing about eating with a bunch of other people, especially new people, is that I inevitably end up explaining myself. “No, thank you” to a meat dish eventually becomes, “I’m vegetarian” or “I don’t eat meat” on the third try. Sometimes TBU will say it for me, just to get it out already. Oh! you’re a vegetarian? Their eyes get wide with fake enthusiasm. Do you eat chicken? No. Do you eat shrimp? No. Do you eat fish? No. Well, you’re the real thing aren’t you?

Well I wouldn’t be a vegetarian if I ate meat now would I?

There was a barbeque Friday night but I figured there would be plenty of other stuff. Like MC Chris, I prefer the whore derves. Don’t click that link, that song is fucking foul. TBU’s family and his moms, husbands family were all there. Friday night was the first meal we all had together. Everyone got their questions out of the way, and it was fine.

Saturday morning, we had brunch together. It was more like ordering a bunch of sandwiches at Safeway and eating them on the beach. But there are no vegetarian sandwiches. I eat some almonds and some trail mix and look around for things I could make a meal of. There wasn’t really anything unless I wanted a meals worth of juice and chips. And this is where it gets annoying. An uncle suggests I “just take the meat off.” I wasn’t rude but I said, “It doesn’t really work that way.” He smiled and nodded. Sweet TBU asked his mom if there were any vegetarian sandwiches but made the mistake of asking in front of everybody. People were perplexed, “There’s nothing you can eat in there?” I wonder if they would like a whole meal of juice and chips. TBU’s mom solves the problem with, “You can just take the meat off and eat the rest!” I say thanks but that’s not really an option. I know everyone means well but for fuck’s sake, think about it for a second. A new step-brother suggests I eat the veggie sushi in the fridge. Now this was the first viable option. But unfortunately, sushi, especially grocery store sushi, tends to have super glutenous rice which gives me a headache. So it wasn’t actually an option but at least he was on the right track.

By this point I’ve just decided to go get something on my own. It’s not a big deal. I don’t expect to be catered to, even if I wasn’t a vegetarian. But the act of refusing someone’s food doesn’t feel good. I feel like the message I send to other people is, “This food doesn’t meet my high ethical standards. You can eat it, but I will not.” I suspect it makes other people feel bad too, or at least a little awkward. TBU’s mom was genuinely apologetic for not remembering to get me something. It was her wedding celebration and I felt terrible for making her feel that way. I know some people are self conscious eating meat around me. That’s not what I’m all about. I make my decisions for me and don’t expect others to follow. Of course, I would love it if everyone were vegetarian or the world supply of meat was produced by humane practices. But I can only control myself and even that’s a little much.

On the way to get my food, tears welled in my eyes. I don’t really know why. I know I was feeling frustrated and a little embarrassed and maybe a little looked over. After all, I had to wait 2 hours so TBU could do his videography duties. But really, I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was that made me cry. But it was strong and barely subsided by the time we got to the taqueria.

Hours after everyone eats their brunch. And TBU has videotaped the grandkids on the sand. I finally get to eat. This only draws more attention from everyone. I’m sitting there all alone, eating my special meal.

Later that night, after the ceremony we go to the Hyatt’s super classy restaurant for dinner. And here is where I get pissed. The only item on the menu without animal was pasta. FUCKING PASTA. I can make that shit at home. I don’t worry though because this is a classy joint with a real live chef and I’m sure there is something else I can find out about if I just ask the server. I do and she pauses, finally letting out a long, “Weeeell,” followed by, “I guess you can have like a plate of grilled vegetables?” I am just kinda flabbergasted that there is no vegetarian plate that can be made. Even if it was just a bunch of sides like mashed potatoes, grilled vegetables and something else. Like really? I’m used to the obligatory veggie burger at diners and shit. But the fucking Hyatt at Tahoe can’t make anything other than pasta?! I order the pasta before anyone wonders why I’m taking up so much of the servers time.

The pasta comes with a fat chunk of goat cheese on it. I love cheese so I try it. Goat cheese tastes more like goat than cheese. So I moved it to the corner of my plate. A new step brother notices and says, “Oh you don’t eat cheese?” I say I just didn’t like the goat cheese. But I knew what he meant. I may be super sensitive but after the mornings vegetarian sandwich fiasco and the previous night’s dinner, I’m convinced it was a comment on my perceived finicky-ness. Oh how I wish he only knew!

Dinner moves along, the server comes by and yells, “Hows my little vegetarian? Did you get enough to eat?” The table turns to me as I smile and say, “Yes, thank you.” But her comment encompasses the most annoying things people can say to me. “Little” just implies I’m a child going through a phase. Like Lisa Simpson or something. And asking if I got enough to eat shows how uninformed most people are about being a vegetarian. Vegetarians have a plethora of meal options. It is a vast, vast field of yummy options. I swear to god, I never had such tasty food when I was eating meat. A meal without meat is just as filling as one with it. The plate came with at least 2 pounds of pasta. Did she honestly think I wasn’t getting enough to eat? Oh must eat everything in sight to satiate my poor vegetarian stomach! And her delivery made me violent inside.

I always go into a situation like this with the idea that I will somehow be stealth enough so others won’t notice, that I won’t have to explain things or answer any dumb questions. I never try to make people feel bad for eating meat, I don’t know why they need to say shit about me not eating it. I don’t draw their attention to the fucking disgusting conditions their decomposing flesh came from and what it will do to their digestive tract. Meat is their decision and I’m not preaching to anyone. But vegetarianism is a common and well-established diet. I am fucking tired of going into restaurants (it’s not like I go to fucking steakhouses or anything) and having to order the one shitty vegetarian option on the menu. Hey! just because I don’t eat meat doesn’t mean I want imitation meat! Your veggie burgers suck. I also hate having to make a bunch of changes to my order. Can’t we just have a salad entree without animal on it?

Eating at peoples homes is different. People only serve what they eat and believe their guests will enjoy. I can’t expect everyone to eat what I eat.

I decided to become vegetarian in an honest attempt at leading a life that was true to my ideals. Not so I could draw attention to it, make people feel guilty or be an example. I never once thought it would be so trying. It’s a delicate balance I never realized I would be forced to navigate.

My opinions they run amok, sorry for the length.

[tags]Lake Tahoe, vegetarian, vegetarianism, Hyatt[/tags]