It’s almost 1am* and I just finished an email response to my boss that I started just past 10pm.
*I got distracted by an email from X and spent the last 45 minutes responding to her and telling her about this.
He accused me of lying without actually accusing me of anything. He mentioned my unwillingness to work. The first things he accused me of were completely untrue. The thing about being unwilling to work is only half true. I am willing to work because I want to get out of the house and get paid, but I don’t exactly want to work.
I am debating whether or not I should post his email to me. It would require a lot of editing and name changing on my part, so I’m not really inclined to do it. As I was reading it my shoulders went numb and I literally gasped like an old timey lady whose sensibilities had been offended. I was really, really upset and began to cry which angered TBU. He started berating my boss and telling me to quit. The idea sounded crazy at first, but now that I think about it, it’s not so bad. I mean, I bend over backwards trying to give my clients the best service possible (no, I am not a prostitute) and I get accused of not being willing to work. I have been begging for more hours since fucking MAY and I get accused of being unwilling to work. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
TBU, ever the office politico, thinks they are trying to force me out. I don’t think they have any motivation to do that though.
Bossman accused me of “leaving information out” during a conversation yesterday and said the whole thing didn’t “sit well”** with him. His exact words were, I do feel like you were leaving information out and then the whole car thing came up later and something about phone reception… Seems like there have been some goofy things going on. That fucking ellipsis kills me. It’s so passive aggressive. And all the “goofy” things happening were entirely legitimate. I won’t give you the details, because they are boring, but I will tell you it involves a smog check and phone reception.
**TBU and I were joking that if it didn’t sit well with him it must stand poor with him. hahahaha…
I wrote a restrained tirade in response. I haven’t sent it, I’m going to sleep on it and perhaps edit it in the morning. How adult of me, because what I wanted to write was, “Fuck off, I quit.” But typing it here also feels pretty good.
I am so angry at the whole thing. Feeling this way about my job is reminiscent of the visceral depression I went through while I worked at Wells Fargo. Just placing those letters together to form those words makes me feel like I have to take a huge shit. I have never been more depressed in my life. I would get to work five minutes early so I could cry in my car before I went in. It was my preparation for dealing with the onslaught of rage and aggression I knew I was going to have to endure for the next 8 hours. People yelled at me, threw things at me, belittled me, said all sorts of insane things to me, and it wasn’t just the customers. Throughout the day I would steal away to silently sob. My red eyes were a result of “allergies” or being “sleepy” or any other thing I could think of. Once I said my eyes were puffy because I got mosquito bites on both my eyelids, wtf? I was desperate, obviously. It just got to the point where I didn’t care anymore. Once I quit, I realized what a waste the previous 10 months had been. I promised myself I wouldn’t let it happen again.
Now with this whole drama happening I’m wondering if it is. I’m wondering if action is required of me or if it’s something that can be resolved. To be perfectly honest, I’m pretty hurt by the allegations. I know how hard I work and how much genuine interest I put into helping these people. It is pretty disheartening to give something your all and to be accused of doing nothing. It’s almost worse than what happened at Wells Fargo. At least then I knew it wasn’t personal, that these people were just out of their minds. But now it’s entirely personal. It’s directed specifically at my actions and targeting my ethics. Normally it wouldn’t bother me what anyone thought of me or my ethics but I respect these people and enjoy their company. It’s like having a friend call you a liar on something that never seemed like a big deal.
I don’t know, I’m feeling pretty foggy and over the whole thing. And I think it’s too late to chug a glass of wine, even if we had any. I know it’s immature to quit a job because you’re pissed off but I also know it takes a certain level of maturity to not deal with someone’s bull shit. And that’s where I am right now. Deciding what the best thing to do is. Of course, I’m going to try to work it out but the possibility of this is always going to linger.
The Millionizer sees your bullshit and raises you a blog post
[UPDATE: Bah! I just sent the email with almost no edits. Now I'm nervous.]
[UPDATE 2: I recieved an email back and the jist was that I read his first email wrong. To which I say, riiiight.]