I feel like I am dangerously close to losing my job even though I know that is mathematically impossible. Why do I think this? I’ll tell you.

1) I’ve been lying enhancing my timesheet everyday by 15 minutes. It’s not much until you consider that I also said I worked full days when I didn’t even show up. They’ve begun to ask questions.

2) The first thing I do when I get there in the morning is pick up two newspapers; the Santa Cruz Sentinel and the San Francisco Chronicle. The school gets free subscriptions. I tear out the sodoku and crossword puzzles. I set Student’s desk up to look like she is doing work. Then I work on the puzzles for as long as possible. Sometimes they last all day, other days I blatantly read the newspaper like your grandpa in a lazyboy.

3) When Student bitches and moans, instead of working through her behavior like it’s my job, I just take her outside and walk a couple of laps. I like the extra exercise and I don’t have to pretend to care about the root of her behavior. This one may or may not belong on the list though because she seems to generally enjoy doing laps.

4) I can’t stand her PE teacher.* We go off campus everyday and do some bullshit activity which is basically ‘let’s go to the park so The Millionizer can be exposed to sunlight and ruin her perfect complexion.’ But really, her PE teacher is a major bitch hole. So when I really don’t want to deal with her I make up some excuse for Student not to go to PE. I also use my history of knee issues against her best laid plans. Sorry PE teacher, The Millionizer cannot go on a hike. Nope, nope, she can’t lead a game of tag either, sorry. And even though swimming is really good for her knees she plain refuses to go swimming with the handicapped PE class. The thought of being in a public swimming pool with a bunch of retarded kids triggers many of my personal hygiene red flags.

*Juicy gossip alert: The PE teacher and CLL used to be in a serious relationship and even bought a house together. Then they had a messy break up. Now whenever I want to bitch about the PE crazy I just waltz into CLL’s room. Would you believe? Lesbians are as crazy as us.

5) I take extra long breaks. Everyone there does, but I am especially flagrant in my tardiness.

6) I gossip. A lot. With everyone. It’s definitely not grounds for termination but it just isn’t great of me. And when they list the pros and cons of keeping me around this just might be the thing that tips the scales.

7) I take and make phone calls throughout the day, whenever I feel like it.

8)** I don’t take initiative. If my student is set up for a few minutes and I have the opportunity to help other students, I don’t. Remember those puzzles?

** The only way I could get 8 ) not to magically transform into was to put some ** or I could’ve used a space like I did here, buuuut no. And why should all of my numbers look small and unprotected just because 8 looks like a pair of eyes?

9) I have a generally sour attitude. Except when gossipping, then I light up.

10) There is this one fart stain in the counseling office (where the copier is) and apparently her life is so fucking terrible from being a low level school district buttwipe for the past thirty years she can no longer smile. So one day I walk in there to make some copies (natch) and I can see a sign on the copier. But instead of walking all the way to the copier just to find out it’s broken from her ugly face, I ask, Is the copier not working? She barely looks up and says, Yes, it’s not. And because her reply was annoying as all hell and I knew she wasn’t sorry I said, in my most snarkiest manner, I’m sure you are. Now she kills me with her eyes everytime I see her. If she could get me fired she would. And maybe she can.

I’ve been emailing Token like a 14 year old in love about all the intricacies of my WordPress fiascos. I promised her I would stop. I’ve progressed to blogging about her and how I’ve emailed her. Progress indeed. But seriously. I tried to post and the post never showed up on the homepage. But within the WordPress workings it was listed as perfect and published. But I guess I’ve figured it out and we shall talk about it no more.

I am in the process of applying to another job, however, the only way to get an application is to download one in Word format and mail/fax it in. Um, not everyone has Word ok? That’s like saying only people with green eyes can apply. And that’s plain rude. Now I am 13% of the way through downloading OpenOffice onto L’amour the laptop. I have 34 minutes left. They can make it easier, they just don’t want to.

In other work related news my current job called me and asked me when I get there and when I leave and what I do during that time. Almost as though they don’t believe I worked the hours I say I did on my timesheet. Hmmm, who do you believe? Honestly though, gimme the health insurance you’ve been saying I am eligible for and we’ll talk.

[tags]bite me, all in a days work, jobs are for retards, Word, OpenOffice, Open Office[/tags]

Things have been getting crazy at my less and less but entirely temporary job. It’s been a frustrating past few days and even though I haven’t been hanging out at themillionizer.com if you have a blog I’ve been reading it, because I need the entertainment.

Caution: Work rant ahead

Student has been pretty sick since last week and aside from Thursday her parents have been sending her to school. It became glaringly clear that they know she needs to stay home but refuse to keep her there on Monday. Her mom said, Student is still pretty ill but I’m in meetings til noon and her dad won’t be back from the gym until 10:30, so call him then. Wow how terrible of you. They kept sending her and I just kept lobbing her back over the net. Monday, I told Dad I thought she had an ear infection. Two days later, and you know what? You know what the fuck what? I was right. I am a childless 23 year old and I could tell she had an ear infection. What is wrong with these people? If she comes tomorrow, I’m refusing her at the door.

Which leads me to the school nurse. The school nurse never helped me when I was in school and she still fails me. School nurses can suck my left nut. Here’s how it went:

The Millionizer: Can you check her ears out? I think she has an ear infection.
Useless old hag who wears a wireless headset at all times: Oh no I can’t do that.
TM: Meh?
UOHWWAWHAAT: I only have a thermometer.

What is your use? Why am I, as a taxpayer, supporting your futile existence? Last week she told me she couldn’t send Student home because her temperature, although elevated, was below 100 degrees. I told Dad to pick her up anyway. Is a thermometer the only tool in your belt? What if I only have a hammer when I build your house? When someone comes in with a gaping wound are you going to take their temperature and send them back to class?

The last thing pissing me off is that another students mom has been LITERALLY (in every sense of the word) harassing everyone. Everyone includes students, teachers, staff (me!) and administration. She was forcibly removed from the classroom after causing a huge commotion and stealing several documents regarding her daughter. She was locked out. But that didn’t stop her, she took notes with her ear pressed up to the classroom door. Later in the day, the principal had to escort her around campus so she could execute her legal right to observe her daughter in school. While being escorted she pushed me. I know! I KNOW! She pushed me and asked me to sit down because I was blocking the view of her daughter. I told her I don’t go to her work and tell her where to stand. Although, I don’t think she has a job because who has the time to harass people for days at a time? Luckily the principal was there or she would have kicked my ass. But honestly, this woman scares the shit out of me. She rampaged so hardcore she made both of her daughters aides cry and quit. That is how unstable she is. Today was the third consecutive day she’s come. She walked into the classroom and started calling the whole system bullshit. I don’t completely disagree but fucking christ. Lay off the pcp and handle it constructively.

If she comes in tomorrow I’m going to have to let her know that I run into burning buildings AS A HOBBY. You’re not going to intimidate me. Then I’ll call her out on her savage alcoholism. Because that’s the truth. I can smell it, bitch.

The Millionizer feels better now. Thanks.