Tonight TBU and I went to a deep relaxation yoga class.

Yoga and I have an unsettled relationship. I practiced yoga off and on all through high school. I liked the peace, serenity and the fact that Madonna does it. But it involved a lot of weirdness like having your butt up in the air with a room full of total strangers while the instructor comes behind you and touches the inside of your thighs. Uh, you’re blasphemously close to my sacred parts. I also spent a lot of time worrying if I had a pantyline and clenching my sphincter so as not to become The Public Farter. I felt like all the benefits were lost on me because I was so uptight, I literally could not unclench my my ass. I stopped going to class and started practicing by myself. When I went to college I pretty much stopped altogether aside from the odd class here and there.

Even tonight, I felt a little scared when the instructor came over to adjust me. What if the whole class knew I was doing it wrong? What would happen then? Absolutely nothing. But when you have social anxiety like I do (I must really feel like talking about it lately) it’s hard not to define yourself by your self doubt. The class was all about deep relaxation, it was dark, I was feeling particularly un-gassy and my ass was not required to rise above my head once. It was the first class I’ve gone to in over a year and it was completely perfect. The instructor didn’t give me a weird feeling either, not even when he squatted over me and touched the sides of my boobs to adjust me. The other students were friendly and I didn’t even feel like they judged me, which is always nice.

Friday night I got accidentally drunk. If vodka and grapefruit juice were in a fight, grapefruit juice would win. Believe that.

Despite a hangover yesterday I was in a great mood. A GREAT mood. I kept asking The Boyfriend Unit if this is what normal people feel all the time. If it was even normal to feel so fucking awesome. He said yeah. And that freaked me out, because I spend most of my time on the other end of the spectrum. I am mayor of the other end of the spectrum. But I was in such a great mood that I didn’t mind being in San Jose hungover in A MALL. Those are my least favorite places, any mall and San Jose. But because The Boyfriend Unit needed to pick up his contacts from LensCrafters, there we were. I could not stop smiling. Some of you are going to assume that I was chemically enhanced. To which I say, if I had chemicals I would ALWAYS be in a great mood.

While at LensCrafters I looked at myself in the wall to wall mirrors and said I looked awful from being accidentally hungover. The Boyfriend Unit said I looked like I started my day at Planned Parenthood. I said yeah, hungover at Planned Parenthood. While waiting for him, I was in such a great mood that I started a conversation with a sweet lady sitting next to me. If you know anything about me I DO NOT do things like this.

We went to the Nordstrom Bistro Café for lunch. Nordstrom is a swanky department store much like Saks. Whenever my mom and I go shopping together we have lunch in the café. Shopping with my mom is a whole other topic but she would be happy to know that I looked like I started my day hungover at Planned Parenthood, and The Boyfriend Unit was swimming in grey sweatpants while wearing a t-shirt with a ripped collar. You pay for your stuff at the very beginning. When we were ready to go we panicked because we realized we didn’t have any cash. He started to reach into his wallet for change and I hissed, do NOT leave change on this table! It sounded more like a gas leak than actual words. A lady sitting next to us said we could just have the server put it on our card for us. Whew! Nice call soccer mom, nice call. The server said we had to let him know how much we wanted on the card. Talk about awkward. I like to leave my tip without having to make eye contact. I was queasy for a solid hour as a result of that social interaction. Have I ever told you that I have social anxiety? No? It’s true. My mood survived the whole debacle, that’s how great my mood was.

If you are a normal person with normal chemical balances then you don’t know why I keep talking about my intact mood. You suck and I hate you.