I’d like to say this will be the last time I talk about this but who knows? sometimes shit comes up.

So Canadian gossip, your favorite kind of gossip!

I don’t know where to start, it was simultaneously all encompassing and totally insignificant. I guess I’ll start by saying TBU has a crush on one of his cousins, he knows I know this and denies it. Maybe crush is too far, it’s more of a need for her to like him. A strong need. As evidenced by him declaring that he is her favorite cousin, to which each and every time she responded with laughter. She never agreed or reciprocated. Really TBU, get a clue.

He wasn’t really flirtatious with her, that I saw anyway, but he did leave me to stay up all night with her. He got upset with me because I was upset with him for leaving me in the cabin while he stayed out with her until 5am. I was like what. the. fuck. soon to be married man? He said that I was ruining his relationship with his family because he was acting different because of me. His relationship with everyone else was exactly as healthy as he left it, I assure you. It was her he was referring to. Long term committed relationships don’t have to mean not having any fun, but there are also people’s feelings involved in those relationships that should be respected. For example, now that we live in San Diego, Savage wants to go surfing with me. Savage and I are completely platonic friends. But if I were to go surfing with Savage I know that it might make TBU not jealous, but uncomfortable. In a way that can’t really be articulated. There is no word for it that I know. We both know that we love each other and that we would never cheat on each other, so that’s not the issue. The issue is simply respect of the other’s feelings and not wanting to do anything that would hurt the other, even if both parties understand that nothing happened. I imagine that TBU knowing that my and Savage’s wet bodies would touch while in the water would bother him. I suspect that TBU would not want Savage to put his arms around me as I fell, because I will fall, or that he would want us to spend our day frolicking on the beach. Not because he doesn’t trust me but because he would feel left out, or something. It just wouldn’t make him feel good. So thus far I have declined the offer, because I want TBU to be secure in the fact that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him, even if it was completely innocent.

TBU doesn’t see his actions in the same way. I don’t know exactly how he sees it but it seems to me that he is always trying to prove a point. Like, “I can get away with this and you shouldn’t be bothered because I say so.” Well I am. When I called him on the whole 5am thing he told me that he was “holding back” so I wouldn’t get jealous. OH WELL. EXCUUUUUUSE ME. I’m sorry you have to hold back from flirting with people in my presence. I am only your fiance after all, don’t let me stop you.

Like when he was ignoring me for some reason (I forget why, it’s hard to keep track of this shit) I started to play horseshoes with his cousins. He really can’t stand it if I have fun without him when he’s trying to make me feel bad. Two girls were swimming and he saw his chance. On his way into the lake he yelled, “Your bathing suit is in the cabin if you want to come in.” Now what do you think the intention behind that remark was? It certainly wasn’t to invite me to swim with him. Because I know where my swimsuit is and I know that you know I know where it is, thankyouverymuch. Plus I’m in the middle of a game. No, he said that so I would know he was going swimming with two girls without me. For some reason he thinks he’s so sly. Is this a TBU thing? I can’t imagine all men who are on the brink of turning 29 are this way.

Whenever I call him on any of this he doesn’t see his actions as a problem, he claims I’m jealous. It isn’t jealousy, but him calling me jealous implies that he thinks there is something I should be jealous of, which instantly puts a shade of suspicion on his actions. I can see why he wants me to be jealous though. Because it’s easy and petty and it releases him from being responsible for his actions. It’s something that makes me the issue instead of him. God forbid he be the issue, then he would have to you know, actually change. In fact, it’s really hard to make me jealous. I guess the only thing I’m ever jealous of is people who are with partners who don’t do this shit.

I know in the last post I said that this cousin girl, Jenna I think I called her, wasn’t the issue and really she’s not. But a lesser issue, aside from TBU acting like a teenager, is that I just don’t like her. And even if TBU didn’t have this whole thing for her, I still wouldn’t like her. She has the exact qualities of this girl who used to be my best friend in elementary school, by high school we were still acquaintances but I had to stop all communication with her because she was so obnoxious.

When I first met Jenna, I saw the similarities but I had no evidence so I went against my gut. Note to self: never go against your gut. She’s one of those people who inexplicably attracts attention at all times. She makes people feel like they are important to her when she wants something but doesn’t reciprocate the friendship. People continue to think she’s the best even though they’re lamenting all the shit she does, how she manipulates them. Evidence, she told one of her cousins that she would give them a bunch of furniture for their new house but that they needed to give her a ride home from the cabin. On the day they were supposed to leave Jenna decided she wanted to sit around and drink martinis for several hours before she would leave. So there was her cousin not being able to drink at happy hour, waiting and waiting, so she could give Jenna a ride, so Jenna would give her some furniture. The whole time the cousin just talked shit about Jenna but wouldn’t leave her there because, well I don’t know why. I guess I’ve grown out of caring if I’m popular, I would’ve left when I felt like it. But this girl is one of those people who manages to convince others that she’s worth their time. When Jenna decided she was drunk enough, she said it was time to go, not the person who was the unwilling designated driver.

So I think that’s what bothers me even more about TBU’s need for this girl to like him. That he’s vying so hard for someone’s attention that in his ordinary life he would laugh at. We would laugh, roll our eyes and stay far away. But for some reason he doesn’t see all this. He thinks they’re close, when it’s obvious to me that she makes everyone feel that way. I guarantee you she doesn’t share the feeling, he’s just someone she sees once a year who she likes to drink with. But really, who doesn’t this girl like to drink with?

I know no relationship is perfect and aside from all this nonsense, life with TBU is pretty fucking awesome. I don’t know what goes on in his mind. There’s some kind of divide, something he’s working out in his head. I don’t know. Does anyone else experience something like this in their relationships? Anyone, anyone?

The Millionizer is gonna go take some pills to not have babies and then some pills to relax

I want to throw myself on the ground so I can throw a proper fit. I dropped my iPhone for the thirteen thousand time today. It was the straw, THE STRAW! It still functions, it just looks like shit. I dropped it a couple days after Christmas and I thought that was bad, I yearn for those very recent days.

So I guess it’s time I look you straight in the eyes and tell you I did not get into UCSF. For a couple days I was so crushed I could barely breathe. But that wore off and I fabricated plans b, c, and d with my anger grief revenge energy. Apparently UCSF doesn’t want excellent nurses who had to overcome only moderate hardships in life. They want the real miracle children. You know, the Ugandan refugees who created a foundation and saved their village and managed to take all the pre-reqs. WHATEVER UCSF. That’s fine, I’m fine. Your program is ridiculously priced anyway. So yeah.

I am applying to at least three more programs. They are all way cheaper and shorter, but they are 2nd bachelor’s instead of master’s programs. I don’t want to say where I’m applying because they are not impacted. Yet. These nursing programs go from 0-60 in 2 months. One month I meet all the requirements and I’m really competitive and the next month TBU told your girlfriend, who’s also applying to nursing schools, about the non-impacted programs The Millionizer has found and then suddenly my measely 3.84 GPA (in pre-reqs) is chicken shit.

Speaking of shit, I lost mine yesterday when TBU told me he mentioned my #1 choice to his friends girlfriend. Now she wants to talk to me and TBU wants us all to have dinner together. I said, fine, I’ll talk to her but I’m going to say these programs aren’t accredited or some crazy shit. TBU was all miffed at my plan to sabatoge. Really though, what did he expect? I am fucking tired of being poor. Nurses may be (portrayed as) loving caregivers but getting into nursing school is cut throat. I’m sure he was right when he said only good would come from me helping someone else but I didn’t want to take the chance.

Hello, hello.

I just have not been able to be bothered to blog lately.

That sentence had a lot of bubbly b’s in it but I’m too lazy to figure out another way to say it. X so graciously asked me to read over her grad school application essays. One for Berkeley and one for Harvard. I was kind of like, “Me? Really?” Actually, I was exactly like that. I mean this woman has an English degree from Berkeley (With HONORS!) and a master’s degree. I just skated by UC Santa Cruz with a 3.0 GPA in a film major. Not to say college or your GPA in college determines your lingual aptitude or anything but X knows her way around a few words. So anyway, I was reading one of her essays and she mentioned doing two things twice in two years. And instead of having any constructive commentary, my notes said, “That sentence has a lot of twos in it.” I tried rearranging and whatnot but alas, The Millionizer could not make it work. Ok on to more pointless anectdotalism.

Last Sunday was my office Christmas, oh excuse me, holiday party* and we all immediately got shitfaced and talked about wildly inapropriate things to make each other’s guests feel as uncomfortable as we could. When your brother’s co-worker asks you about the first time you had sex and the whole back story and simply will not drop the subject even after you’ve made it clear you don’t want to elaborate, you have to wonder what the heck is up with my place of employment. But really, it’s fun I swear.

* I don’t know why I got all snarky back there. To be fair, it’s not really snark it’s how I talk, I’m all, “Merry Christmas! Oh, err, Happy Holidays!” all the time.

Last night was TBU’s office holiday party. Since he works in San Jose, the party was in San Jose. TBU Sr. got wind of this and offered to get us a room at the hotel because we drink alcohol to aid in the unbearable awkwardness of social interaction.

TBU’s co-workers are not from the same cloth as my own. It was all shmoozy and desperately trying to be elegant. Which was awesome because the only shoes I remembered to pack were black flip-flops with pink skulls. Don’t think I didn’t notice those glances to the floor and back up you turds. I’m fairly certain the be-skulled flip-flops and my obvious foot tattoo were duly noted and filed appropriately. If it weren’t for the sympathetic waiter with the generous pours and knowing glances it would have been a total fail.

As soon as the first couple left everyone lept** from their seats, grateful for the social cue to go the hell home. The Teebs and I rented Waitress from the concierge, he fell asleep and I got to enjoy the movie over the soft (read: soft like nails on a chalkboard) sounds of Downtown San Jose at night. I can’t say it was all too bad. The bed was extremely comfortable.

**I just spent 30 minutes internet researching lept vs leaped. Apparently I am not insane and they are both words and equally applicable in this situation.

There’s more, just not now. I have some great, disparaging quotes from my mother when she visited for Thanksgiving and possibly some video.

The Millionizer needs a shower