Sometimes I’m just like, “What’s Zach Galifianakis up to?” And then I check his facebook page. Which, is clearly not personal but I feel like it could be. And so I check it thinking I could possibly, maybe get a glimpse into the glamorous world of Zach G. But it’s a lie, A LIE!

Remember in 2008 when I almost died of stomach acid poisoning? Well all it started at a Zach Galifianakis show. TBU and I both had a Fat Tire and upon our first sip both exclaimed that it tasted weird, but drank away nonetheless. And we continued drinking so that on our way home (home meaning Ms A’s current manlover’s l0vely apartment in Hillcrest above a restaurant that only serves esoteric hunting game) we harassed the scientology center and yelled about racism on billboards for planned communities. I don’t know exactly what caused my stomach lining malfunction but I blame my own need to get drunk and the Fat Tire that filled that need.

A: Look for fresh prints.

On Sunday we exchanged gifts with TBU’s family. T’was Me, Teebs, two brothers Teebs, Mama Teebs and Stepdad Teebs. These are the parents who freaked the fuck out up mention of a wedding planner. You may recall this incident, I certainly do. Anyhow, stepdad Teebs approached me with a box and a very proud look on his face saying, “Here, handpicked by me!” I took my time opening it because the ribbons on there were not just decoration, they were some type of reinforcement. As I’m trying to break into my gift, stepdad TBU keeps saying things like, “I know you like to wear them, so I thought I’d style it up a bit,” and other weird things about my style and apparent lack of it. I open what I am assuming can only be a vintage Gucci gown and feast my eyes upon a plain, zip up hoodie. Seriously, it’s gray all over, it zips up and it’s a sweatshirt. Now I don’t know what he thinks I normally wear that this gem is so stylish but it got kinda insulting. It didn’t stop there though, he told me over and over in various iterations, “Now that’s a generous medium but if that doesn’t fit, they have larges at the store.” He kept reminding me to try it on because I could exchange it for a large. I was like, “I know! You think I’m a horrible, hideous, and particularly unstylish beast! Please stop reminding me that my fat ass might need a large! Thank you!” It didn’t help my case that I WAS wearing a sweatshirt at the time. But in my defense it was a roll out of bed kind of situation and it was a super adorable slug (go slugs!) sweatshirt commemorating the Grateful Dead donating their entire archive to the UCSC library. Soooo, I kind of feel that he was over reacting on my sweatshirt wearing ESPECIALLY since the whole weekend I was wearing actual put together outfits involving undergarments, vintage dresses and super cute shoes. But did he notice that? Noooo, he noticed my sweatshirt. Or something.

And another thing!

I had the grand idea to write my posts at work and just copy and paste upon my grand arrival at home. The problem with that is that the workday brings no pleasure to me and I can’t even pretend to want to get into the head space necessary for a Millz worthy post. Which reminds me are you reading Michael Ian Black’s blog? If you’re not I don’t know what else you’re wasting your life with, but it should be this. And this post in particular speaks to me in so many ways: blogging, excessive emo pop, it’s like he’s in my head.

The Millionizer says adios to to the naughties.

Yes, the rumours are true, the Teebs and I have made it legal and it’s exactly like it was when we were living in sin. Except that now we have a bunch of checks made out to the both of us so we had to open a joint checking account. And now he wears a band on his left hand. And now we get to introduce each other as husband and wife. And now I have medical, dental, vision, life and supplemental life insurance. But that’s it!

The ceremony was typical Millionizer go big or go home style. It was at a yacht club, on a lake (with no yachts incidentally). I had a four foot train (I’m only 5′2″!) and arrived by boat a half hour late in a dramatic fashion. My audience oops – guests, watched as my bridesmaids, Mama Millionizer and I slowly made our way to the dock in a party boat decorated with fresh foliage and wedding bells. The gondOHla man (TBU’s stepdad) had a ridiculously flowy feather in his cap. It was a scene.

We walked up the dock and onto the yacht club deck, where I was walked down the aisle by my mother, of course. Five minutes after that, TBU was my husband and then we partied.

But that was just Saturday. The partying began on Wednesday when we got into town and continued through Sunday night. There was an awkward Millionizer/TBU extended family Thanksgiving celebration on Thursday. But after that, there was the hotel bar. NOTE: I think the key to all the fun we had was getting really great hotel rates for everyone at one hotel. The fact that we were all in the same hotel was AWESOME and lended to several after, after, after, after parties. Some are still going and I don’t think the last one will be over until 1/1/10. BTW, Sir Chinko and X, I am NOT going to Reno for New Years, deal.

Our first night in the hotel, Thursday, we got kicked out of our room and made to promise we would be the only two in it. But that was total bullshit, because the Canadians had just landed and wanted to say hello in their customary fashion, with beer and talking over each other. When the front desk called to ask how many people were in our room, TBU said 6, there were really 17 . TBU was yelled at and the party had to disperse. Just as everyone left TBU’s littlest brother walked in holding up a 24 pack and laughing about the front desk yelling at someone. So we moved to the parking lot. Funny how things kinda don’t change. Here we were, about to be married adults, drinking beer in a parking lot.

Friday we decorated the yacht club. It was a total DIY wedding. EVERYTHING was hand made and/or designed by one or both of us. This was also the morning that I realized I forgot a majorly important box of centerpiece decorations. It was the first and most severe of all my breakdowns to come in the next 36 hours. But TBU saved the day by going to the dollar store. Ha! It was a classy affair I assure you!

Friday night I couldn’t sleep, it was an awakeness so powerful two xanax couldn’t bring it down. I think it was mostly the fact that I slept in Ms. A’s room and not next to TBU. Ms. A! ever the traditionalist.

Saturday we woke up and went to Mama TBU’s house to get ready. Bada bing bada boom then we were on a boat to my wedding.

See? It’s easy. Having said that, I will never, ever, ever, EVAR plan another wedding. The next one’s at the courthouse. And any possible offspring are on their own. I’ll just throw money at that problem. Speaking of throwing money. Papa TBU decided that the wedding was a real success and he was AND I QUOTE “pleasantly suprised at how nicely done everything was” that he offered us money. FUCK YOU a-hole. Fuck you for being surprised and fuck you for deciding after the fact that it was a wedding worth spending money on. Had we known we were going to have this money we could have done things like not have fucking panic attacks about all the checks being written to throw a party for 100 people!

On Sunday, I wrote Mama TBU a check for all that she had taken care of the night before. That was when I learned we apparently had an open bar all night. When she told me the bar tab I asked, “What about the $2000 cap?” And she had the nerve to look me in the eye and say, “You never told me you wanted a cap, I asked you guys but you never answered.” I wanted to call her a fucking cunt liar but it seemed innapropriate in a house that is basically a museum. In the room we were standing in alone was a signed Salvador Dali and several Erte’s. I mean, come on! But then she casually said, “I’ll take care of the bar tab.” And that little sentence alone has already saved my marriage.

I want to post some pictures but the photo stuff seems to have gotten mangled in the latest update. I have a picture viewer I want to use but it won’t work with this theme. So then I found a theme that worked with the photo viewer but that’s basically all that worked. So, just become my friend on Facebook or something. Gah! facebook, I can’t believe I just said that. Gag me with a spoon.

The Millionizer got all the important stuff on the registry

I’ve been otherwise indisposed with working a real job with all day real job hours and planning a fucking wedding. I don’t want to discount all the help I am getting from amazing family and friends but I’m basically putting this thing together by myself. No real complaints though because I like the control. But still, there are so many goram details. Like, just how are the tables names going to be displayed in the centerpiece. Huh, just how? I don’t know the answer to that. It is almost 4am and I have been up all night cutting paper for place cards and table names, writing the program and general fretting. I don’t have a lot of non-wedding things going on in my head so I am going to post the program details I have written so far. The only person you won’t recognize is my cousin Becky. Without further ado, the Millionizer, TBU wedding program as just written by me a few moments ago. Can I get some feedback? Like tell me if it is just too much or if you would enjoy reading a program like this.

The Whos, Hows and Whys

First off, right before we thank you for coming, we have some bad news – we aren’t doing “The Lift”. I know, I know, totally sacreligious but I think we can all have a good time despite that. OK now, thank you so much for coming! We are excited and touched that so many of you chose to spend your holiday weekend with us.

The Whos

TBU – AKA “The Groom” is a handsome, loving and all around adorable human. He has a degree in Film and Digital Media from UC Santa Cruz. Currently, he works at Blankity Blank as a Blank Blank. He is the owner of one overly rambunctious orange cat who is still learning his manners. When he’s not in the middle of getting married, TBU likes to play video games, take pictures and cook amazing meals.

The Millionizer – AKA “The Bride” is a sweet and charming human who is shorter than most people she meets. She also has a degree in Film and Digital Media from UC Santa Cruz. Currently, she works at an organization for children with Autism as their general admin extraordinare and media guru assistant. She is currently awaiting the arrival of many acceptance letters to nursing school.

Sir Chinko – AKA “The Officiant” And yes he really requires both names. Sir Chinko and The Millionizer have been great friends since high school where they first met on the swim team and The Millionizer pretty much gave him no choice but to be her friend. Their friendship was solidified in third period Environmental Science where the teacher gave up trying to silence them. Sir Chinko welcomed TBU into the fray with open arms and the three of them have had countless misadventures in Berkeley, San Francisco and Santa Cruz. Basically, the Bay Area goes on alert when these three congregate.

Ms. A – AKA “The Maid of Honor” has been the best of friends with The Millionizer since um…first grade? These two go way back. They were in Girl Scouts together where lessons were learned and badges were earned. In fact, they both dressed as Girl Scouts for Halloween this year – in their original uniforms. That, my friends, is fact. Ms. A threw the most amazing bachelorette party, The Millionizer is still recovering from it. No really, those heels were high. In summary, Ms. A is the most thoughtful and amazingest friend possible and The Millionizer wouldn’t know what to do without her.

Becky – AKA “Bridesmaid and Unpaid Wedding Planner” is The Millionizer’s cousin. End of story. Just kidding! When these two were younger, cuter and naturally blonder everyone thought they were twins. They were wrong, but these two milked it for free sodas at the American Legion and attention from the public at large. Becky set up those lovely room rates at the hotel for us all to enjoy. So get her a drink if you’re feeling generous. She’s currently a head honcho at Hotel X, but that’s just what she does to pay the bills while she slowly takes over the world with her English Bulldog Nellie.

X – AKA “Bridesmaid and Wedding Mascot” has been friends with The Millionizer since the Summer of 2000, when they both worked at the San Diego KOA. That summer, and seasons since then have consisted of some of the most painful, can’t catch your breath, it hurts to breathe laughter The Millionizer has ever experienced. X is a fabulous hostess who likes to pretend it’s always the early 1960’s.  Let it be known that X has an English degree from UC Berkeley and graduated with Honors. She is probably reading this right now and finding mistakes that none of us ever knew existed. Such is the life of the current Blank Assets manager for Mystery College of Mysteriousness in San Francisco. She is here today with her partner in crime, Snake, who would probably rather be talking about football, so do the guy a favor.

And that is all I have so far. I’m going to make TBU do the whos for his boys, cuz I don’t have much to write about them. I can talk about how is brothers annoy me but that would probably be less than appreciated. I’ll take care of the Hows and Whys tomorrow. Now that the sun’s about to come up it’s about time for bed, I’m nocturnal like that.

The Millionizer is getting married in one week from TODAY. This is not a drill, people.

“what a hassle, married life better be sweet”

We’ll do our best.

The Millionizer can’t get it up but will still come all over your party.